Jean Ralphio

This is why I love Parks and Recreation.

Ashanti...

We roll over in my pre-owned Acura Legend...

Just bounce.. bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. Now all the ladies say it!

Desean Jackson

Sorry New York Giants fans. This was just too good.

A Year At War

Take a look at the New York Times feature that will follow American soldiers in the war in Afghanistan for the next year.

After we've been exposed to non-stop coverage of the wars in the Middle East for so long, it's easy to be numb to it all. But pieces like this remind us that there are still real people fighting, and that war and its effects are still very powerful, and also very frightening.

It's Been A While

It's a bit overdue, but the Ducks are playing for the big one.

(Get it? They're playing in the Fiesta Bowl? So the Duck is throwing tortillas? Mexico?)

Now all we have to do is wait a month...

And if you didn't see the Oregon-Oregon State, you missed out. Not on the game itself, but on Oregon's uniforms.

Of the Ducks' 904598290540 different uniform combinations, this one is probably my favorite.

See you in Phoenix. Quack, quack.

It's a Runaway Train!!!

I just read Bill Simmons' NFL week 10 picks. Personally, I've stopped watching the NFL this season because the 49ers suck something awful and following them this year is just going to put a damper on the Giants winning the World Series. So the NFL is off limits until 2011.

However, there was one piece of his column that I found particularly hilarious and it had nothing to do with football. By now, you've probably seen previews for that Denzel Washington movie Unstoppable which, from what I can gather, is about a runaway train that's going to crash somewhere and it's up to Denzel and Chris Pine to stop it or else the world will end. Yeah, I agree. It looks pretty stupid. So here's Bill Simmons predicting the major plot points of Unstoppable without having seen any of it.

Scene 1: Some sort of action train scene establishes Denzel's dominance as a train conductor. Even in a hairy moment, he's obscenely calm and cracks jokes when most people would be crapping their pants. It's just one reason he's the best.

Scene 2: Chris Pine joins Denzel's team as an aspiring engineer. Everyone is mean to him because that's just the rule in action movies: Be mean to the lead guy in the first 25 minutes (even if he's curing little kids of cancer or stopping catastrophic oil spills with his bare hands).

Scene 3: We meet the terrorist who's plotting to blow up the brakes of the train. He's badly overacting and has a slight accent.

Scenes 4-6: Denzel shows Pine the ropes. As they're getting to know each other, news breaks of a runaway train that's empty but has biological weapons on it.

Scenes 7 through 16: It's a runaway train! And it's heading right toward a major city!

Scene 17: Denzel decides he has to stop the train by somehow getting on board. He asks Pine to join him. Pine says no, then changes his mind … because, you know, it's always the perfect first day on the job to risk your life.

Scenes 18 through 42: It's a runaway train!

Scene 43: The train reaches a part of the railroad that hasn't been finished yet. The ensuing crash and explosion would wipe out an entire city. Their only chance is for a makeshift track to be built between the exposed tracks. BUT THERE'S NO TIME!

Scene 44: They build the temporary track in two seconds.

Scene 45: The train … it makes it!

Scenes 46 through 62: It's a runaway train!

Scene 63: There's a misunderstood ex-con who dies trying to help someone. Don't ask.

Scenes 64-69: It's a runaway train!!!!!!!

Scene 70: After being mean to Pine for most of the movie, Denzel apologizes and tells a story about the time his old partner died and he cried at the funeral. The scene ends with a joke that's not funny, only both guys laugh.

Scenes 71-79: It's a runaway train!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Somehow, Denzel and Pine get lowered onto it. Little do they know that the villain is on there, too.

Scene 80: Denzel kills the villain after a long fight scene on top of the train in which he almost falls off a bunch of times.

Scene 81: Denzel and Pine stop the runaway train right before it rips through a busy Amtrak station and kills everybody.

Scene 82: Denzel asks Pine, "You OK?" He is.

Scene 83: There was one hot chick in this movie: maybe a policewoman, maybe a lady using the walkie-talkie from train headquarters, maybe a stray passenger … but regardless, Pine just got her number and they're probably getting married.

Scene 84: Denzel says, "I ain't making enough money for this."

Scene 85: The End.

It's funny because it's true.

Also, I still can't get over that Rondo dunk from last night.

Okay for real this time: happy Friday, everyone.

RONDOOOO!!!

Freaking legit.

PS. Way to not even try, Chris Bosh.

Happy Friday, everyone.

One Quitter, One Winner

By now you've probably seen the LeBron James Nike commercial responding to all the criticism he got for the Decision and for turning his back on Cleveland in general. And as much of a douche as I think LeBron is, I have to admit, this was actually a pretty well done commercial. Those guys at Nike are geniuses. If you haven't seen it yet, watch it here:



But then today, I found out about an even better "commercial." Check out this parody from the city that LeBron left behind.



I love it. Score one for Cleveland.

And it's only been four days since the Giants won the World Series, so I'm certainly not going to stop talking about it now. Check out Brian Wilson's appearance on Jay Leno last night. Make no mistake, I hate Leno (don't forget, Conan's new show starts Monday!) But I love Brian Wilson.

As a side note, no one in San Francisco calls Brian Wilson "the Beard." Stop trying to be cool, Jay.



Here's part two of the interview.



Happy Friday, everyone.

Go Giants, Go Vote, Go Watch Due Date

The Giants lovefest on this blog is far from over. This is a preview of this week's Sports Illustrated cover.

Also! It's Election Day today, so get out and vote. (Remember the last election when voting was the cool thing to do? And P.Diddy threatened to kill you or something if you didn't? Yeah... not so much this year.)

And in case you're wondering, the Punch officially endorses...

I defy you to give a reason to vote for Meg Whitman. Seriously. This is a woman who has zero political experience, has admitted that her ads are false and misleading, has flip-flopped numerous times on issues, and is basically trying to win the governor's seat by buying it (she has spent more of her own money on her candidacy than any other self-funded political candidate in U.S. history). And let's not forget that SHE DID NOT VOTE IN AN ELECTION FOR 28 YEARS! TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS! And now she wants people to vote for her?! That is freaking absurd. Vote Jerry Brown.

Anyway, I'm getting worked up here. Let's end on a lighter note. Need something to do this weekend? Try this.

Now I Can Die in Peace

The first sports game I ever attended was a San Francisco Giants game when I was maybe five or six years old. They were the first team I was a true fan of and I've always told people that the Giants winning the World Series would be the most meaningful championship to me of any sports team that I'm a fan of. And now that it's reality, it means even more than I had thought.

I'm having a hard time coming up with what to say to fully express how I feel, but maybe that's okay. No words needed. There's just pure exhilaration and joy.

San Francisco Giants. 2010 World Champions.

Quack, Quack

As a graduate of the fine educational institution that is UC Davis, I will be the first to admit that there was one thing that was seriously lacking from my college experience: football. Your first reaction is probably this, "Aw, that's too bad that you guys didn't have a football team." To which I would tell you, "False! We DO have one!" To which you would probably reply with, "Uh, what? Stop lying. UC Davis plays football?"

But the truth is that yes, the Aggies have been playing on the gridiron for many, many years. In fact, we are only one of three UCs with a football team (Cal and UCLA being the others). However, we play in Division I-AA. For those that don't know, I-AA is kind of like the minor leagues of college football. So when the football schedule is packed with such powerhouses as the University of Montana, you can understand why I have more interest in "real" college football.

Anyway, since I grew up in the Bay Area, I'm sort of an adoptive Cal fan. But I have a confession: I might have a new favorite college football team, and it won't make people in Berkeley happy. I have to admit that I love the Oregon Ducks. I re-watched last week's Oregon-UCLA game and I'm not sure there's a more entertaining team to watch than the boys from Eugene. That fast-paced, spread option offense is ridiculous, they have great fans, and they have the most fun uniforms in all of college football. (If you are interested, there's actually a site that keeps track of all of Oregon's uniform combinations throughout the season.)

Anyway, the Ducks play at USC this weekend. No one with a soul likes USC, so if you need one more reason to hate the Trojans, there's this: after watching Cain Velasquez dominate Brock Lesnar in the UFC title fight this past weekend, USC QB Matt Barkley tweeted, "Wow, Brock just got rocked! Lesnar is to Oregon as Velasquez is to SC. Lezgo."

Yup, he's a douche. Let's go Ducks.

Quack, quack.

To the Series

One more to go...

Thunder Road

Forget the Miami Heat. The Thunder are on the cover of this year's SI NBA preview.

For the record, I'm not really an OKC fan, but I love Kevin Durant. And how good a guy is he? He asked that SI photograph not just him, but his teammates as well. LeBron probably would have had a press conference to announce he was doing that.

And in case you were wondering, the Warriors were ranked 13th out of the 15 teams in the Western Conference. Uh... We Believe?

160 Percent Effort

The University of Mississippi, better known as Ole Miss, has announced the school's new mascot. For those who do not keep up with college mascot news, Ole Miss' old mascot, Colonel Reb, was kicked to the curb a few years ago because he resembled a southern plantation owner just a little bit too much which conjured up bad memories of slavery in the south.


Yeah, okay, fair enough. This guy looks like he could be Colonel Sanders' racist cousin.

Anyway, the school set out on finding a new mascot that would keep up with the Ole Miss Rebel tradition, but also create a new image separate from the south's dark past which lasted from the early 1800s until about, um.... the mid-1980s. The final mascot choices were then put to a vote among students, faculty, and alumni, and the results are in:

62 percent voted for Rebel Black Bear (the winner).

56 percent voted for Rebel Land Shark.

42 percent voted for Hotty Toddy.


So let's welcome the Ole Miss Rebel Black Bear. Okay, so it's not exactly the coolest or most original choice for a mascot. But according to the university, the black bear has a "Mississippi connection" which I assume means that there are actually black bears in Mississippi. (Turns out this is true! In fact, there are almost 80 in the entire state!) I'm a little surprised, though, that Rebel Land Shark wasn't the runaway winner because nothing screams the south or rebellion quite like a land shark. And in case you were wondering, Hotty Toddy (the dude on the left) is the name of the Ole Miss cheer. So the mascot would have basically been... a cheer. Clearly creativity is not terribly alive down south.

But there is one thing that's particularly worth pointing out: did you count those percentages carefully? The total adds up to, not 100 percent, but an amazing 160 percent. Apparently math isn't terribly alive down south either. And you thought education in California was in trouble.

It's just a shame that the ultimate, all-time leader of rebels in the entire universe wasn't able to be considered for the position of Ole Miss Rebel mascot.

It's a trap!!!

On to the Next One

See you in Philly.

Countdown to Conan

If you've been watching the MLB playoffs on TBS at all, you've no doubt seen some of the ads promoting Conan O'Brien's return to late night in early November. Here's a link to the YouTube page with all the promos. (This one is my personal favorite.)

Anyway, if you know me at all, you know that I'm pretty excited for Conan to be back. I did some scrounging around and found some of my favorite Conan moments from the Late Night days. And why should I keep these to myself? These are obviously meant to be shared. Enjoy.

Conan helps out during the NYC transit strike.

On his trip to San Francisco, Conan visited Intel headquarters in Santa Clara.

Conan playing old school baseball. (The buffering might take a little time because it's some random Chinese YouTube-type site.)

The Walker Texas Ranger lever.

Max and Conan get a beer.

Possibly my second favorite Conan remote ever: Conan having dinner with his associate producer Jordan Schlansky.

And the best one ever: Conan's 1992 Ford Taurus.

Sir Charles

Thanks to Sports Illustrated for this quote from Charles Barkley, commenting on LeBron James' suggestion that race was a contributing factor in the public animosity over his departure from Cleveland:

"It's like watching a movie. Just when you think it couldn't get any stupider, it gets more stupid."

Seriously, how can you not love Charles Barkley?

Victorious

See you Thursday.

Review: The Town

I saw The Town on Sunday. Two thoughts...

First, how did this movie get 94 percent on Rotten Tomatoes?? Don't get me wrong... it wasn't BAD, but it's for sure not 94 percent good. As a comparison, Inception has an 87 percent rating. Okay, there is no freaking way that The Town is better than Inception. That's like saying LeBron is better than Michael Jordan. Or that McDonalds is better than In N Out. Or that the Dodgers are better than the Giants. They're all just ridiculous statements.

In fact, if you've seen Heat, you've pretty much already seen The Town, just a better version of it. But for fun, let's just compare the two.

Action: Advantage, Heat. Way more action than The Town, including the epic bank shootout scene.

Length: Advantage, The Town. The Town is about two hours long. Heat is about 948754 hours long. Okay, just kidding. But Heat is for real almost three hours long. You could cut half that movie out and it would still be just as good, if not better.

Actors: Advantage, Heat. I have to give him credit -- Ben Affleck was pretty solid. I also really like Jeremy Renner as the obligatory crazy guy on the team and Blake Lively did a good job as a trashy drug addict ho. But Heat had DeNiro, Pacino, Val Kilmer, and Ashley Judd, not to mention the President from 24, Jon Voight, and Jeremy Piven. So it's not really that close. Plus, I'll take Iceman as my wingman any day.


Winner: Heat. The original is always better.

Second thought: Boston accents might be the most annoying in the history of mankind. Unfortunately, they are at a premium in The Town. Thank God we live in California.

Hella > Wicked fahhhh

The Return of the King

Modern Family. Back tonight. Yeeeee.



Get some.

Stand There and Watch Me Burn

Yes, I know it's been a while. Sorry, I've been busy. And by busy, I mean lazy. Anyway, I just have one thought to share with everyone today: "Love the Way You Lie" has officially reached beyond-overplayed status. Seriously. It's time to move on. That freaking song is played minimum 4987310465 times a day. If I hear it again, I swear I'm gonna tie it to the bed and set this house on fire.

But as far as I'm concerned, this song will never, ever be overplayed.

And now, here's a random, hilarious video to kick off your weekend.



Happy Friday, kids.

Top Chef Recap

It only took me about half the season, but I've finally gotten caught up with Top Chef which is easily one of the most entertaining shows on television. How can you argue with food, crazy challenges, food, drama, and food? That's right. You can't.

Anyway, I figured I would offer up my thoughts about the week's past episode and keep it up through the end of the season because I know that everyone is curious about my Top Chef analysis. Two things to keep in mind: first, my favorite chef by far is Tiffany. She just seems like she's having fun and, most importantly, she's a really good (and really smart) chef. Second, I've said this before, but I'm pretty sure Padma has close to zero clue how to cook. She's basically hosting this show because she's hot. Can you believe that?! Outrageous.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get to this week's episode...

"Covert Cuisine"

The highlight of this week? That douche Alex finally got eliminated. I couldn't stand that fool. Remember at the end of last week's Restaurant Wars episode when his team won but he basically did nothing? And the things that he did try to do (i.e. cut meat and filet fish) he failed at so his teammates had to fix all his work? And he was a complete ass to the wait staff? And then Kenny and Kevin ripped into him during the judging saying that it should be him going home? So yeah. I'm pretty glad he's gone.

But the truth is that every season, there's a guy like Alex -- that guy who is clearly not as good as everyone else and who has a bad personality so no one likes him, but he manages to hang around deep into the show. It freaking drives me crazy, but thankfully "that guy" has never won the competition.

On a more positive note, my homegirl Tiffany won both CIA-themed quickfire and elimination challenges. Yessss! She's been on a roll lately and looking more and more like the chef to beat. But I always worry about contestants on reality shows who keep winning challenge after challenge leading up to the finale. A lot of times they lose steam, can't quite get back on track, and eventually fail to win the whole thing. I call this "Mychael Knight Syndrome." For those who do not know, Mychael Knight was a contestant on Season 3 of Project Runway. He was a fan favorite and was winning a lot of the challenges leading up to the finale of the show and basically looked like the front-runner. However, he started to come undone in the last few weeks, made some questionable decisions, never fully recovered, and ended up finishing in fourth.

Reality show competitions are like sports. You have to peak at the right time. Who cares if the Cavs won 66 regular season games in 2008-2009? Or if the Mariners won 116 regular season games in 2001? The Cavs lost in the Eastern Conference finals and the Mariners lost in the ALCS. Neither team came through when it mattered most.

(Also, I realize I just made a reference to Project Runway followed by a reference to professional sports. You might be confused as to what the hell kind of blog this exactly is. So am I, my friends. So am I.)

Anyway, we're down to six chefs! It's getting real. Stay tuned...

P.S. Since we're talking about TV, two quick things...

1) I watched the Parks and Rec "Hunting Trip" episode and heard one of the funniest lines ever: Tom Haverford asking how mad Ron Swanson is that someone shot him, "On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?"

2) Friday Night Lights season four came to an end a couple weeks ago. All I can say (again) is that FNL is seriously one of the best shows out there right now. How are more people not watching it?!?! Only one season left! Nooooo!

Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!

Music for You!

Three songs that I'm enjoying right now...

Lauryn Hill - "Doo Wop (That Thing)"

Lauryn Hill needs to make a comeback. Immediately. This song was a classic off of an album that was equally classic. (I also really like this video.) It's too bad she went Dave Chappelle on us by getting fed up with the commercialization of the industry, going a little crazy, and deciding to go into hiding. Come back, Ms. Hill.

Michael Jackson - "Man in the Mirror"

An undercover Michael hit that gets easily overshadowed by other songs like "Billie Jean" and "Thriller." Positive message too! High five!

P.S. The video for this song is... interesting. I know that it reflects the lyrics of the song, but still. It goes from children suffering from famine, to terrorists, to Asian kids with Santa, to Baby Jessica getting saved from the well, to whales. The video is in its own world and kind of naive by thinking that it's not strange or awkward at all. Kind of like Michael Jackson.

Katy Perry - "Teenage Dream"

No shame.

Okay, maybe a little shame...

Watch Parks and Recreation. Now.

I know what many people say about Parks and Rec, that it's exactly like The Office, just in a different setting and not as funny. Okay, I admit that maybe to some extent that's true. After all, both shows were created by the same people. But after a so-so season one, Parks and Rec has found its footing in season two and has quietly become one of the funniest shows currently on television. That's right. I said it and I stand behind it. Amy Poehler is hilarious and the supporting cast for P&R is superior to that of The Office. I know this sounds blasphemous coming from a loyal Office fan, but it's the truth. Also, let's face it -- The Office isn't what it used to be. Ever since Pam and Jim got married, the show has been semi-scuffling. And if Steve Carell really is leaving the show after this season, then I think it's about time to close up Dunder Mifflin Scranton.

But we're getting off topic. We're here to talk about P&R. So now is your chance to find out how right I am about it since NBC has started to replay all of season two online. The first four episodes are up now, but they're only online until Monday when they put up the next four episodes. Here's the Hulu link for Parks and Rec. So hurry and watch it. Now.

Lessons from DC

I spent last weekend in Washington DC visiting my brother who's interning out there for the summer. (Please keep your Monica jokes to yourself.) I've been a few times now and I've realized that DC's a pretty cool city. It's one of those places where you go and when you spot a particular monument or building, you think how cool it is to actually see it in person. Anyway, here are some of the things I learned from my most recent trip to our nation's capital.

1. DC is hot. REALLY hot.
If you've ever wondered what hell feels like, try going to DC in the middle of summer. You'll get a pretty good idea. We landed on Saturday morning and as it so happened, the region was in the midst of a horrible heat wave which had started about, oh, two months earlier. In the shelter of our hotel room, I looked up on weather.com the day's temperature: "102 degrees." This news was then proceeded by one little add-on: "Feels like 107." That would be the humidity in action. Awesome. Needless to say, I'm never taking 65 degree Bay Area summers for granted ever again.

My advice to you, friends? Do not visit Washington DC between the months of June and September. Oh, and the winters can get pretty rough too, so avoid the months of November through February. So basically, there are more or less four months in the entire year that are acceptable for going to DC. Keep that in mind.

2. In spite of the heat, DC is a fun city!
There isn't any place quite like DC. Like I said before, history is everywhere in the city. Whether it's the monuments or the memorials or the White House, there's so much to see. There's also the Capitol, the National Gallery of Art, and don't forget all the Smithsonians. But the best part of all these places? Nearly all of them are FREE. Hollerrrr. And in addition to all the National Mall attractions, there's also fun neighborhoods like Georgetown and Dupont Circle, and taking time to walk along the Potomac River. Anyway, you get the point. There's a lot to do.

3. Okay, even though the National Mall is cool...
There is no freaking place to eat around that area. Trust me. I went searching and nearly starved to death in the process. What the hell, dude? There's not even like a McDonalds or something. This has to be some conspiracy by Congress to force you to overpay to eat at the Capitol cafeteria. Forget the economy; Michael Moore needs to investigate the downtown DC restaurant shortage.

4. Kevin Durant is from DC!
Okay, I didn't actually learn this while I was there, but my brother texted me a few days after I had left and told me that Kevin Durant was going to be coming to the Capitol to give a talk on sports nutrition or something of that nature. I sort of joked that my brother should get me KD's autograph, but he said that he actually would during the autograph/photo session! The next day, I get this photo sent to me:


YESSSSS. I already loved the Durantula before this, but he's now officially my favorite non-Warrior basketball player. (In case you're wondering, Steph Curry is my favorite.) My brother also told Durant to win MVP for him. KD laughed and said, "We'll see." So if he wins MVP, just know that my brother inspired him. It certainly wasn't all the extra hard work he puts in, or his winning mentality, or his desire to keep getting better. No. It was my brother.

5. Last lesson: Seriously, DC is hot.
On our last day there, it was only 90. You know it's hot when you start saying stuff like, "It was ONLY 90."

With all due respect to Joe DiMaggio, I'd like to thank the good Lord for making me a Californian.

Well done, Miss Granger

I was on my flight back from DC yesterday and I started reading Harry Potter 6. As I was reading, I remembered a particularly funny story my friend told me a while ago...

So as you may or may not know, Emma Watson (the girl who plays Hermione in the HP movies) goes to Brown. My friend's friend also goes to Brown and happened to be in the same lecture as Emma. During class one day, the professor asked a question to the students. Emma Watson raised her hand and she was called on. She answers the question and the professor says something to her like, "Thank you. Very good."

All of a sudden, someone from the back of the lecture yells out, "TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR!!!!!"

Needless to say, the class burst out laughing. Emma Watson was not as amused.

Swoon-o Mars

Okay, I know most people have already heard this song. And I know it's going to quickly be overplayed on the radio. But who cares. I like it anyway. And it's my blog so I'll do what I want.

Bruno Mars - "Just The Way You Are"

Congratulations are in order, Bruno. Not only do you have a hit song on your hands, but you also currently own the hearts of all the women of America with this song. Well done.

Beat LA

The Giants are in LA this week for a three game set with the Dodgers, and last night's game proved to be pretty interesting. But as I was watching the game yesterday and seeing Dodger Stadium on TV, it reminded me of a conversation I had with my friend Jake the other week...

Jake: our office is going to a dodgers game tonight
Jake: and i have to go
Jake: otherwise i dont get to leave early
Me: damn dude
Me: that's weak
Me: who're they playing
Jake: the marlins
Me: cool..
Jake: lol yeah should be a blast
Me: how is dodger stadium
Jake: dodger stadium is one of the worst stadiums ever
Jake: people do the wave, and there are at least 20 beach balls in play at all times
Jake: its just old and lame
Jake: and the dodgers play there
Jake: its like kansas city, but outside
Jake: oh wait nm they are outside
Me: haha
Me: it's like kansas city, but in la
Jake: exactly.
Jake: the worst

Fine, Fresh, Fierce, We Got It On Lock

I heard about this remix to Katy Perry's "California Gurls" on the radio the other day called "New York City Gurls." You can probably guess what it's about. Now, I'm not a fan of Katy Perry by any means, but could this J-Hype fool be anymore of a biter? This is freaking weak. Come on, dude. Let's at least see some effort. And while we're at it, let's try and think of a less stupid name for you than J-Hype.

P.S. My favorite part of the "New York Gurls" remix? The line about 15 seconds in that goes, "It's the Empire State, Lebron James' next stop!" The LOL moment of the song.

P.P.S. I realize I've been on a pretty good LeBron James streak these last few posts. I'll get off of it soon.

P.P.P.S Bill Simmons' decision.

P.P.P.P.S Steve Carell's decision.

P.P.P.P.P.S Okay, seriously. I'll calm down with LeBron soon. I promise. And the P.S's too.

Bye, 'Bron

This was the front page of the Cleveland Plain Dealer on Friday. (The small print on the right side says "7 years in Cleveland. No rings.")

Nothing else to be said. It's absolutely great.

Et tu, LeBron?

When I first heard that LeBron James was going to announce where he would be playing next year on ESPN in a one hour special that his people had negotiated, there was one word that came to mind: douche. Look, there's no denying that LeBron is a great player, probably the most talented player in the game right now. But if there was any question about what kind of a person he is, that was answered the second he decided to put create an hour long show dedicated to himself that he would control and put on ESPN.

But as douchey as the whole thing is, I couldn't help but watch the whole thing unfold. This seemed as good a time as any to do a running diary. Let's revisit The Decision...

5:50 - Switch over to ESPN. Analysts give their last bits of input, so I'll give mine. Everyone says Miami is where LeBron is heading. Makes sense at first glance -- D-Wade, Bosh, and LeBron? Can't say no to that. But this is what the Heat will look like: those three guys, plus nine guys with minimum contracts. Uh, is that a championship team? Hell no. You need those role players, the guys who create and do the little things for those big three. Instead, you have three guys who are used to being THE guy. I just can't see this working out the way everyone thinks it's going to.

If LeBron is smart, he'll either go to Chicago or stay in Cleveland. Chicago makes sense because it's the best overall team and he's still clearly the alpha dog there. Cleveland makes sense because it's his hometown, they'll work even harder to get the right guys around him, plus it shows he's loyal, and it proves he's willing to put in the work to make the Cavs successful. Also, if he decides to go somewhere else, he's basically stabbing Cleveland in the heart on national TV.

ESPN shows LeBron walking around the gym of the Boys and Girls Club in Connecticut, trying to act like this is something totally routine or normal. The audacity of this guy... But I also really hate myself for watching this.

6:00 - Stuart Scott is anchoring the coverage. Great. My least favorite ESPN personality. I hate this even more.

6:04 - ESPN shows a LeBron montage filled with highlights and memorable moments. Of course, there's one highlight missing: the one where he wins a title.

6:11 - They just put up a graphic of LeBron wearing different jerseys. This is getting more and more stupid by the second. Also, what happened to announcing the decision in the first 10 minutes? Lies, ESPN! LIES!

6:20 - Still just mindless banter from the ESPN heads about sources and speculation. And now another commercial break. This is so mind numbingly annoying. I feel like Barry Bonds. I hate everyone.

6:22 - They finally cut to LeBron and Jim Gray. Rather than just ask LeBron where he's going, Jim does a stupid dance of asking lead in questions. No one cares, Jim. No one cares.

6:25 - He's still asking questions. I'm pretty sure I'm going to punch Jim Gray in the face if I see him on the street because he's allowing this stupidity to go on further.

6:26 - LeBron says that his decision is based on the best situation to win. That sound you heard was Cleveland getting kicked in the groin.

6:27 - The decision: It's the Miami Heat! America can finally breathe again!

6:32 - LeBron just said, "I know how loyal I am." That's the LOL moment of the interview so far.

6:36 - They're showing reactions from around the country to his announcement. Miami? Unbridled excitement. Cleveland? You can probably guess.

6:39 - The game I'm looking forward to in the 2010-2011 season: Miami at Cleveland. Especially LeBron's pregame chalk throw. You probably won't have heard as many boos and cuss words since John Rocker pitched in New York.

6:43 - LeBron just compared his Big Three to the Celtics Big Three and talks about how that Celtics team had guys around them step up. He then mentions Rondo as being a guy who was relatively unknown, stepped up to support the Big Three, and ended up becoming one of the best point guards in the game right now. Okay, LeBron. I hate to break this to you, but Mario Chalmers is not the second coming of Rondo. Trust me, I had both of them on my fantasy team last year. One of them ended up being awesome and the second most untradeable guy on my team, and one of them ended up getting dropped from my roster by December. Guess which one was which.


6:46 - I'm seeing Facebook statuses go up everywhere. Just a friendly reminder to everyone: it's Miami Heat, not Miami HeatS.

6:49 - They show Cleveland fans burning LeBron jerseys. Michael Wilbon asks LeBron his reaction to that. "I'm going to be happy with the decision I've made and continue to be great." Wow. What a douche.

6:52 - Jim Gray's interview finally over. Stuart Scott's annoying voice chimes in and says to stick around for one more announcement from LeBron. It's probably going to be something about the money he raised for charity through this event, or he's going to let Cleveland fans know where he left their collective ripped-out heart.

7:02 - They ask LeBron a fan question sponsored by Vitamin Water. The question: who would win in a game of HORSE, you or President Obama? By the way, did I mention that LeBron's people are controlling every aspect of this event?

7:05 - LeBron thanks the sponsors and mentions how much this event helped the Boys and Girls Club. Unfortunately, no mention on where he left Cleveland's stomped-on heart.

7:11 - LeBron makes his next big announcement: the University of Phoenix president tells LeBron they're making a donation to the Boys and Girls Clubs of America. Seriously, this whole thing is beyond stupid now.

Okay, the show went on for a little bit longer, but I got tired of listening to the same thing over and over again. I'll close with a couple of thoughts.

First, let's get one thing straight -- I don't think LeBron is a douche for going to the Heat. He's a free agent and he can do whatever he wants. That's life. I do, however, think he's a douche for the way he went to the Heat. Instead of just calling a simple news conference or announcing it through the team like most players do, LeBron had his people talk to ESPN and negotiate a one hour special dedicated totally to him. He chose the time, the location, the format, the setting, the sponsors, and even the advertisers for the program. Everything was calculated perfectly so that the LeBron hour would be exactly how he wanted it and done in such a way that would build his brand further. Even at the end of the show, he discussed how he was dedicating money to the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, as if to demonstrate to the world that, hey, he's still a nice guy.

But you know who a real class act is? Kevin Durant, who quietly announced his five-year extension with the Thunder on his Twitter account. Just another reason why I love him and OKC.


Second, Dan Gilbert's letter to the fans of Cleveland was probably one of the funniest things I've ever read. Was it over the top? Probably a little bit. But at the same time, I understand where he's coming from. At the beginning of the free agent bonanza, LeBron said Cleveland had the inside track to re-signing him. That was a pretty bold-faced lie. He also never called or spoke to Gilbert before making his announcement. I think that's a pretty big slap in the face for the team that basically made you a god for your entire career so far to have to wait like everyone else for you to make your announcement.

Third, this Heat team won't win a championship next year. I can just about guarantee you that. They're going to need a couple years to build up a bench and some role guys for LeBron/Wade/Bosh. But I think anything less than two championships over the next five years for this group has to be considered a failure. After all the hype and buildup, there is an enormous expectation on all of them (and rightfully so). And it won't be easy. They still have to go through a really good Bulls team, a really good Magic team, and a still really good Lakers team (not to mention a Thunder team that is on the rise). You think Kobe won't be motivated to beat these guys? I hate that fool, but the last thing I want to do is give him another reason to want to beat me.

In the end, I don't disrespect LeBron the player's decision, but I lost respect for LeBron the person tonight. He seemed like a guy who really wanted to win, who had a positive attitude and a good sense of humor to match. Instead, he's just revealed himself to be another selfish athlete concerned more about himself rather than focusing on the real reason why he should famous in the first place: winning.