It's a Runaway Train!!!

I just read Bill Simmons' NFL week 10 picks. Personally, I've stopped watching the NFL this season because the 49ers suck something awful and following them this year is just going to put a damper on the Giants winning the World Series. So the NFL is off limits until 2011.

However, there was one piece of his column that I found particularly hilarious and it had nothing to do with football. By now, you've probably seen previews for that Denzel Washington movie Unstoppable which, from what I can gather, is about a runaway train that's going to crash somewhere and it's up to Denzel and Chris Pine to stop it or else the world will end. Yeah, I agree. It looks pretty stupid. So here's Bill Simmons predicting the major plot points of Unstoppable without having seen any of it.

Scene 1: Some sort of action train scene establishes Denzel's dominance as a train conductor. Even in a hairy moment, he's obscenely calm and cracks jokes when most people would be crapping their pants. It's just one reason he's the best.

Scene 2: Chris Pine joins Denzel's team as an aspiring engineer. Everyone is mean to him because that's just the rule in action movies: Be mean to the lead guy in the first 25 minutes (even if he's curing little kids of cancer or stopping catastrophic oil spills with his bare hands).

Scene 3: We meet the terrorist who's plotting to blow up the brakes of the train. He's badly overacting and has a slight accent.

Scenes 4-6: Denzel shows Pine the ropes. As they're getting to know each other, news breaks of a runaway train that's empty but has biological weapons on it.

Scenes 7 through 16: It's a runaway train! And it's heading right toward a major city!

Scene 17: Denzel decides he has to stop the train by somehow getting on board. He asks Pine to join him. Pine says no, then changes his mind … because, you know, it's always the perfect first day on the job to risk your life.

Scenes 18 through 42: It's a runaway train!

Scene 43: The train reaches a part of the railroad that hasn't been finished yet. The ensuing crash and explosion would wipe out an entire city. Their only chance is for a makeshift track to be built between the exposed tracks. BUT THERE'S NO TIME!

Scene 44: They build the temporary track in two seconds.

Scene 45: The train … it makes it!

Scenes 46 through 62: It's a runaway train!

Scene 63: There's a misunderstood ex-con who dies trying to help someone. Don't ask.

Scenes 64-69: It's a runaway train!!!!!!!

Scene 70: After being mean to Pine for most of the movie, Denzel apologizes and tells a story about the time his old partner died and he cried at the funeral. The scene ends with a joke that's not funny, only both guys laugh.

Scenes 71-79: It's a runaway train!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Somehow, Denzel and Pine get lowered onto it. Little do they know that the villain is on there, too.

Scene 80: Denzel kills the villain after a long fight scene on top of the train in which he almost falls off a bunch of times.

Scene 81: Denzel and Pine stop the runaway train right before it rips through a busy Amtrak station and kills everybody.

Scene 82: Denzel asks Pine, "You OK?" He is.

Scene 83: There was one hot chick in this movie: maybe a policewoman, maybe a lady using the walkie-talkie from train headquarters, maybe a stray passenger … but regardless, Pine just got her number and they're probably getting married.

Scene 84: Denzel says, "I ain't making enough money for this."

Scene 85: The End.

It's funny because it's true.

Also, I still can't get over that Rondo dunk from last night.

Okay for real this time: happy Friday, everyone.