Review: GI Joe

While walking out of the theater after watching GI Joe this past Friday, I went onto Facebook on my Blackberry and posted this: "GI Joe was without a doubt the best movie of the year."

What did I learn from doing this? I need to improve the sarcastic tone in my Facebook status updates.

To be fair, GI Joe was pretty much what I expected it to be: a fairly mindless action movie with little plot, a poor-bordering-on-REALLY-poor script, overly patriotic themes, lots of overly dramatic macho speeches, and actors who were chosen for their roles mainly based on how hot they were. Also, this movie had Marlon Freaking Wayans in it. That screams volumes about your movie's credibility when he's one of the guys that's supposed to carry the movie.

Anyway, speaking as someone with half a brain, this movie was pretty terrible. Speaking as someone who often times doesn't use half a brain, I actually don't really regret watching it. So with that in mind, there are three fundamental questions about GI Joe that should be asked:

Was it entertaining? Yes, on many levels it was. Thanks in large part to the over the top, no-way-in-hell-will-this-ever-be-possible technology, the characters are able to do ridiculous things that result in some decently fun-to-watch action sequences. But it was also entertaining in terms of how stupid it was at times. And I don't just mean the action; I'm talking about some of the lines and the way the movie flowed in general. Just stupid.

Was it cool? When I say cool, I mean cool in terms of the way that Star Wars was cool with its incredible graphics and CGI computer craziness that made you watch in amazement. So now that we have the definition, GI Joe was far from cool. In fact, GI Joe would probably be the chess club captain who gets his lunch money stolen every day at school. I swear, if I knew how to work my Mac better, I could probably create better 3-D graphics than some of the GI Joe scenes. I don't know what the allotted budget for this movie was, but I'm sure it was huge. Clearly they didn't invest that money into the graphics department (or into the script writing department).

And finally... was it good? Absolutely not. Keep in mind, I didn't expect that it would be. I think it would have been a bigger surprise to me if the movie had actually turned out to be halfway decent. And this is the thing to keep in mind when watching GI Joe: keep your expectations low, and you'll leave feeling okay about the movie... and about yourself for having watched the movie.

Now you know! And knowing is half the battle.

Holy Crap, This Blog Still Gets Updated!

I apologize that it's been so long since I've updated the blog. The last few weeks have brought a myriad of activity that's kept me busy and exhausted. But we're back in business and I bring a promise to stay more committed and on top of updating this blog. (I can also pretty much guarantee that we'll be having this conversation a few more times this year.)

Anyway, there's something that's been on my mind for a while now which I'll share with you. They say there's only two things guaranteed in life: death and taxes. Borrowing from that adage, if you listen to the radio, there's pretty much only one thing guaranteed: the Black Eyed Peas. Seriously, they're on every station, at every hour, of every day. You can't escape them.

Now, I consider myself a pretty big hip-hop fan. And there's a fairly well-known rule of thumb among hip-hop fans: you have to hate the Black Eyed Peas. For those of you who are unaware, this is the basic story: There was a time, a long time ago, when the Black Eyed Peas were an actual hip-hop group. I can hear BEP fans now: "Wait, they ARE hip-hop! What are you talking about??" Okay, no, they are not hip-hop. The Black Eyed Peas as they are now known are absolutely pop music. Listen to their pre-Elephunk album stuff. The BEP sound was much, much different; a lot cleaner and a lot more down to earth (try "Joints and Jams"). Anyway, stop interrupting. Let's get back to the story.

So what happened? A woman by the name of Fergie joined the group, their ideas and goals changed, and the sound was transformed forever. Now, the BEPs are wayyy poppier and clearly gear their songs to being catchy. Exhibit A: "My Humps" -- arguably one of the worst songs ever written in terms of lyrics. Seriously, Google the lyrics to that song. It's terrible.

Okay, so I know it sounds like I'm being kind of a hip-hop elitist and basically arguing that the BEPs suck because they abandoned their real hip-hop roots and decided to sell out by being pop music. Two things. First, I have no problem with Top-40 pop music. It's all good, baby. I'm down with it. But I have a problem when music tries to act and sell itself as something else. That's what the BEPs do. Second, I'm not going to completely hate on someone for selling out. Look, if you knew that you could make millions and millions of more dollars by changing your sound, you would seriously think about doing it no matter how strong your musical compass might be.

So then what's the biggest reason why I hate the Black Eyed Peas? It's this: these fools make silly, borderline mindless music, and they're Top-40 pop music trying to masquerade as hip-hop... but I CAN'T HELP BUT LISTEN... AND KIND OF LIKE IT. I'm so torn; whenever "I Gotta Feeling" comes on (and it's on a LOT), I want to change the freaking station immediately. But instead, I end up listening to the entire song.

I just spent five minutes staring at that last paragraph trying to go on, but I'm just having a hard time putting it all into words about what kind of conflict goes on in my head and heart.

I think the only way I can put it is like this: You know how you have that kind-of-friend in your life that you and your other friends find fairly annoying, but you still act like their friend to be nice? And even though you try to find reasons to get away from them and get out of the "friendship," they're actually pretty good to you and do great things for you; stuff like picking up the bill at dinner, or treating you out on your birthday. So as much as you might want to, you can't get out of being friends with this person. You're stuck with them. And while you might reap the benefits, you also can't help but feel guilty in the process.

That sums it up pretty well. In the end, I just flatout feel guilty for finding even a small bit of joy in Black Eyed Peas' music. It's terrible, it's annoying, and I hate myself for even having to fight this battle. But I know it's a battle I'll continue to lose for a long time.

(P.S. Good Lord, I forgot that the name of their last album was Monkey Business. I enjoyed songs off an album called Monkey Business. MONKEY BUSINESS. Seriously, I'm out of words.)