Best Radio Call Ever

This was the radio call by Paul Allen, the voice of the Minnesota Vikings, after Brett Favre's interception at the end of regulation in the NFC Championship Game. It's simply epic. And hilarious. You can hear the anger slowly build and then suddenly explode. Just wait for it. There's nothing else to really say... you just have to listen and enjoy.

THIS IS NOT DETROIT, MAN! THIS IS THE SUPER BOWL!!!

On a separate note, how many other people thought last week's episode of The Office was the lamest ever. A clip show?? Come on. I thought The Office was better than that. In fact, if you look on the Hulu website, the tags for that episode are: clip show, boring, lame, lazy, Steve Carell. Pretty much sums it up. It's okay, though. I'm willing to give The Office a pass on that episode. Let's just not let it happen again. I mean, come on...

THIS IS NOT A LAME SITCOM, MAN! THIS IS THE OFFICE!!!

Playoffs?!

It's been a long time since I've cared about the NFL playoffs mainly because my team (the 49ers) hasn't made the postseason in quite some time. That's not to say I haven't followed or enjoyed the games from the past years (the New York Giants and the 18-1 New England Patriots made for probably one of the best Super Bowls I've ever seen). But for the most part, I've had close to zero vested interest in the NFL after December.

Nonetheless, I will do my due diligence as a football fan and watch this weekend's championship games. Here's my personal, indepth analysis of the matchups and sure-to-be-wrong picks.

AFC Championship

Okay, on the one side you have the Indy Colts who seem to be the favorite of the four remaining teams. And why not? They're quick on defense, force turnovers, manage the game at their own pace, and, oh yeah, that Peyton Manning guy is pretty good.

On the other side, you have the obligatory "team that's hot at the right time" in the New York Jets and you can never underestimate the power of this distinction (i.e. last year's Cardinals). It's not that they do any one thing amazingly well; things just seem to come together when they need to for the Jets.

All that said, the Jets got bailed out last week largely thanks to Nate Kaeding. The Sanchize was good, but not overwhelming (100 yards passing, 1 TD), and while Shonn Greene had 128 yards rushing, 53 came on one play. And here's the biggest thing that should worry Jets fans: Philip "I'm a Douche Bag" Rivers passed for 298 yards which would have been more had it not been for those dumb back-to-back interceptions. So basically, New York, watch out for Peyton.

By the way, I always enjoy watching the Chargers lose. I don't hate the team or anything, but I think I'm just tired of hearing Chargers fans talk big when they have more or less nothing to show for it. Five playoff trips since 2004, including three with a three-seed or higher, and zero Super Bowl appearances. So, yeah, let's just slow the Charger bandwagon down.

Anyway, Colts 24, Jets 13

NFC Championship

An intriguing game, to say the least. We all know what the Saints are about: score, score, and score some more. After three pretty embarrassing losses to end the season, Drew Brees decided to play like Drew Brees and lit the Cards up for 247 and 3 TDs. As a bonus for Saints fans, there was also a Reggie Bush sighting last week too. And not a Reggie Bush as Mr. Kim Kardashian sighting, but a Reggie Bush as a decent football player sighting. Incredible.

Let's move on to Minnesota. The Vikings are good, no doubt about it. And, as much as I hate to admit it, Old Man Favre is the biggest reason why. The guy has been playing out of his mind and I'm pretty sure he's set the record for "most consecutive fist pumps after a touchdown." We just need to see him come through on the road. In their own dome, Favre and the Vikes dominate. But in someone else's dome, especially the Superdome where it gets louder than a late night fight between Whitney and Bobby? We don't know yet. Still, Favre will have to keep Who Dat out of his mental dome in order to be successful. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself. But that's the last time I'll use the word "dome" for the rest of this entry.)

By the way, if there's one thing I enjoy more than a Chargers loss, it's a beatdown of the Dallas Cowboys. This was made even better by the Vikings running up the score at the end of the game, and then the Cowboys getting butt hurt about it.

(And since I didn't write anything about last week's playoffs, the only thing better than a Chargers loss or a Cowboys beatdown is a massacre of the Patriots. This game started at 10 am on the west coast so by the time I woke up and turned the TV on, the Ravens were already up 21-0. This game was made even better by the shots of a completely empty Gillette Stadium in the fourth quarter. Seriously, you could have counted the number of people still watching the game. It was awesome.)

Anyway, I'm taking N'awlins.

Saints 34, Vikings 24

In a non-NFL related thought, how in the hell is Allen Iverson starting in the All-Star game? Look, when Tracy McGrady was nearly voted in as a starter, at least it made some sense. With Yao Ming injured, Chinese people basically decided to start voting for his most high-profile teammate. Personally, I think it would have been hilarious to see him get voted in. Part of me actually thinks it happened, but the NBA put all their computers on auto-vote the last 48 hours to get Steve Nash in ahead of T-Mac.

But A.I.? Really? Who's voting for him? For sure not Nuggets fans, or Pistons fans, or Grizzlies fans. Plus, I was under the impression that NBA fan s in general were over this guy. He's over the hill and his career is in obvious decline. Plus, he's a team cancer (Exhibit A: refusing to come off the bench). Wherever he goes, his teams always stall (Exhibit B: Denver and Detroit). Look, I like Allen Iverson. I really do. His attitude isn't always the greatest (Exhibit C: the infamous rant about practice), but he plays hard and he has a passion for the game.

In the end, though, it doesn't even matter because no one is going to remember the All-Star Game by February 15th. (FYI, the game is on the 14th). Yes, it's probably the most entertaining to watch of all the All-Star games, but it's just a huge exhibition game with the NBA guys goofing around like the Globetrotters.

Speaking of All-Star games, let's close with my All-Star game power rankings for the four major sports.

1. NBA All-Star Game (The end of these games always seemingly turn into an impromptu slam dunk contest with both teams agreeing to stop playing defense and instead just throw alley-oops every possession.)

2. NHL All-Star Game (My hockey knowledge is limited at best, but the skills competition is actually a lot of fun to watch.)

3. MLB All-Star Game (I still can't believe they decide homefield advantage in the World Series based on the outcome of this game. Absolutely ridiculous.)

4256. NFL Pro Bowl (Guys not caring + guys not wanting to hurt each other = probably the worst football game you could ever watch.)

Someone Stop Pat Robertson

You want to know why so many people in this world are wary of Christians? It's because of people like Pat Robertson. If you don't know who he is, he's essentially a televangelist with deep pockets, a huge ego, and a penchant for making outrageous claims. And when I say outrageous, I mean REALLY outrageous. (My personal favorite is his hilarious leg press claim.)

Anyway, Patty Boy has been up to his old tricks again and recently had an interesting response to the devastating earthquakes in Haiti. Robertson claims that Haiti's founders had sworn a "pact to the Devil" in order to liberate themselves from the French slave owners. As a result, the earthquake is the consequence of the Haitian people being "cursed" for doing so. Basically, Haiti brought this death and destruction on themselves and they are to be blamed for it.

Here's a video clip of his asinine comments. What I find almost as ridiculous as Robertson's actual comments is his female co-host who is nodding in serious agreement with him. Yes, people actually believe the lunacy that comes out of his mouth. By the way, notice at the beginning of the clip when Pat says that the quake might have been "a blessing in disguise," the guy he's interviewing is clearly bewildered by the statement and is trying so hard not to say, "UH WTFREAKING... ARE YOU SERIOUS, FOOL?!?!"

The bottom line is that this guy is out of his freaking mind and he is a disgrace to genuine Christians everywhere. A Christian life starts first with humility, but Pat Robertson is nothing but a sleazy self-promoter.

He currently claims to be setting up a relief fund for Haiti, but why would anyone in their right mind let this guy even sniff their money. It's not like he's misused money in the past or anything. I think I'd trust Pat Robertson to do the right thing with money about as much as I'd trust NBC to do the right thing with a late night TV show.

If you want to actually do something simple and real, text the Red Cross at 90999 with the word "Haiti." Ten dollars will be donated to help relief efforts and the charge will show up on your cell phone bill. Over $10 million has already been raised through texts alone. Of course, in this world of Facebook and Twitter, you probably already knew all about this. So that means you've donated, right?

Oh, and there's one more thing you can do, something that eludes Pat Robertson's pea-sized brain: you can pray for the people of Haiti with a loving heart.

Fail, NBC

You would think that being a TV network executive would require a certain amount of intelligence. Well, maybe not at NBC. In fact, it would seem that at NBC, your job relies heavily on making stupid decisions rather than smart ones. Exhibit A: the Jay Leno/Conan O'Brien fiasco.

What NBC should have realized before they tried to get cute with their late night lineup was this: by moving Leno to 10, having Conan at 11:35, then Jimmy Fallon at 12:35, NBC is essentially putting on the exact same show format for three hours. Think about it: how many people are really going to sit through Leno at 10, then watch their local news for a half hour, then watch the entire Conan show at 11:35, then stick around for another hour of Fallon? That doesn't sound like smart TV scheduling to me. But, hey, what do I know, right? I'm just a TV viewer, not a wise executive.

I've been a huge fan of Conan for years and it's tough to see someone who so genuinely loves what he does be pushed out for not really doing anything wrong. On the other side, while I'm not really a big Leno guy (I just don't get why people think he's funny), I don't really blame him for this, either. He was essentially forced out by NBC last year, then when he thought about going to another network, NBC freaked out because it brought back bad memories of when David Letterman left for CBS, so they gave Leno a new show which was essentially his old show but at 10 p.m. instead. But now, ironically, in their attempts to keep Leno from defecting, it now looks like Conan is the one heading to another network. Well played, NBC. Well played.

Anyway, we'll all have to just wait and see how this whole thing plays out. And in case you haven't yet read it, here's Conan's statement on why he intends to leave NBC.

I'm with Coco.

Peace out, 2009

Another year has come and gone, and 2010 is upon us. But even though we're moving on to bigger and better things, we'll always have the memories, 2009. Come, reminisce with me, won't you?

Best Marriage of the Year: Jim and Pam on The Office. Not even close.


Weirdest Marriage of the Year: Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian. Not even close. (Lamar, be honest. The real reason you married her was because you were tired of Kobe getting all the attention, right?)


Most Rapid Breakdown of a Marriage: Jon and Kate Gosselin had won this distinction by a landslide throughout most of the year. And then Tiger Woods and Elin Nordgren came on to the scene. It's hard to argue with a wife that chases her husband down the street with a golf club, and then smashes the rear window attempting to "save" him, but we can't forget that Jon and Kate's decline was pretty epic as well. Let's just call it a tie.

Take your pick. This:

Or this:


Catchiest Song of the Year: Anything by Lady Gaga. I'm not a fan of Lady Gaga, but every single song she writes is absurdly catchy. Whenever she comes on the radio, I just leave the dial and let the song play out. And I'm pretty sure I know all the lyrics. And I know you do too.

Ultimate Get Out of Jail Free Card Moment: Michael Jackson's death. When MJ died, you would have thought that this guy had been the man that cured cancer or brought peace to the entire world. The entire universe was put on hold for the next month so everyone could honor him and talk about how much they loved him. But there was one thing that everyone forgot: this guy was out of his freaking mind! He had sleepovers with little kids!!! And not the kind of sleepover where everyone gets their own sleeping bag... they slept in the same bed!!!! And he admitted it!!!!! And he thought there was NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!!!!!!!! But even knowing all of that, everyone pretty much collectively decided to let Mike off the hook after his death. Was his death sad? Of course. His life was cut short and that's always a tragedy. But come on.... the dude molested little kids. Let's not throw him a parade. (Oh, wait, we already did.)

Guilty Pleasure of the Year: "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift. Okay, it's time to come clean. I really like this song. A lot. I know there are others who are just like me out there. It's okay. This is a safe place. There's no judgment. It's just a place where we can all sing the lyrics out loud together.

You belong with meeeeee....

Speaking of Taylor Swift...

Kanye West's Annual Douche Bag Moment of the Year: "Yo, Taylor! I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish! But Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all-time!"


Best movies: 4. Star Trek 3. Up 2. The Hangover 1. Avatar

I finally saw Avatar the other day after weeks of hype from just about everyone in the world and it absolutely lived up to it. In case you haven't seen it yet, make sure to watch it in 3D. Without 3D, it's probably just a really fun movie. With 3D, I'm not sure there's a more visually stunning film. All that said, Avatar is far from the best movie I've ever seen. The story and plot are a bit one-dimensional and things become fairly predictable. But give James Cameron credit-- he has possibly created the most epic film ever.

As a side note, you may wonder why other critically acclaimed movies such as Up in the Air aren't on this list. It's real simple, my friends: I haven't seen them. The movies on this list are the ones I was really looking forward to seeing and, most importantly, these are the movies that made the $10.75 (or whatever absurd price they're charging these days for movies) worth it.

One more side note: make sure you watch The Hangover. Hilarious.

Biggest (and Best) Distraction Among Young Men: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Pure awesomeness.

Best Sports Moment: Usain Bolt's two world records at the World Championships. Yep, that's right. It's from track and field. Now let's be real here for a minute. How many of us even knew the track and field world championships existed? Unless you actually competed in it, probably none of us... until Usain Bolt destroyed the 100 AND the 200 field with record times. The dude is a freak of nature.



Worst Sports Moment: The Lakers winning the NBA championship. The fact that they won isn't really the worst part. The worst part was that everyone knew it was going to happen. Yeah, they had a couple of questionable games in some of their playoff rounds, but we always knew they'd get to the Finals. And then when the Magic knocked off the Cleveland LeBrons in the Eastern Conference Finals, the Lakers essentially locked another trophy up before even playing Orlando. You just knew how it was going to end.

It was like watching The Empire Strikes Back for the second time. You've already seen it, you know how it ends, and you know that the bad guys pretty much had a field day in this movie. The Empire whooped the rebels' asses in the snow battle with those freaking snow walker things, Darth Vader screws up Luke Skywalker physically by cutting off his hand and then screws him up psychologically by telling him he's his father, and, to top it all off, Han Solo gets frozen in carbonite and shipped off to Jabba the Hutt.

Pretty much no bueno all around. That's what it was like being a non-Lakers fan this year.


Best Thing to Look Forward to in 2010: The World Cup. Always wildly entertaining and a ton of fun to watch. FYI, this event is also known as "the rest of the world joining Europe in actually giving a crap about soccer once every four years."

Here's to 2009 and to an even better 2010.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year from the Punch to you and your family. Enjoy the start of 2010 and look out for a review of 2009 coming in the next week. Until then, here's one of my favorite YouTube videos to tide you over. If you're a sports fan, you'll really appreciate it. If not, well, it's still pretty funny.

By the way, my New Year resolution to you is that I will update this more often. Seriously.

On a separate note, I've slowly started to become addicted to Yelp. So if you are on Yelp and would like to be friends, I'm open to new friendships as well. Here's my page: schrutefarms.yelp.com. I know. It's the greatest URL ever.

Welcome to 2010.