Forget Chuck Norris; We've Got Steven Seagal

If you haven't seen the promos yet, there's a new TV series that's vying for the title of greatest unintentionally funny show ever: Steven Seagal: Lawman. The show centers around, who else, Steven Seagal. But it's not like his movies where he plays the white, ass-kicking cop/law enforcement agent who knows kung-fu, but might also be secretly Native American because he's always wearing Native American clothing. No, this show is different. Steven Seagal doesn't play a cop... he IS a cop. Yes, Lawman is a reality show. Apparently, Seagal has been a Reserve Deputy Sheriff in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana for over 20 years and the show basically follows him around while he's both on and off-duty.

As someone who has seen a Seagal movie or two in my life, I can't tell you how excited I was to watch this show. And not because I thought it would be particularly revealing or entertaining, but because I was excited to see Steven Seagal get a little too into being a real cop. Can't you imagine it? Seagal pulls over some teenage kid for doing 40 in a 35. He slowly walks up to the driver side and asks for his license and registration. The kid hands it over and then realizes it's freaking Steven Seagal!

"You're Steven Seagal!" he says in disbelief.

"That's OFFICER Seagal, you punk. Get out of the car right now."

"What?"

Seagal proceeds to pull the kid out of the car through the window and perform a series of kung-fu kicks and punches on him. As the kid writhes around on the ground, Seagal finishes writing him a ticket and tosses it on him. As he starts walking back to his car, he turns back to the kid dramatically and says, "You have 30 days to pay the fine or appeal the ticket."

And after watching the actual show? I was pretty much right about Seagal getting a little too excited. Okay, so he didn't beat up a teenager, but throughout the show he gets pumped up about almost everything that happens. For example: while on patrol, a high-speed chase ensues. After a short pursuit on the freeway, the suspect is eventually boxed in and subdued by several officers as Seagal's car arrives on scene a little bit late. But as they pull up, he starts shouting, "Where he at?! Where he at?!" He sprints out of the car and, even though there are five cops already pinning the guy down, Seagal jumps in and gets in on the action. Um, thanks for the assist, Steve.

Then there was the part where he helped a fellow officer with his shooting. I was actually impressed because it turns out that Seagal is a really good marksman (he shoots the top off of a q-tip and then a match from 20 feet away). But the best part was his insight on the art of shooting a gun: "Just like zen archery or something, it's a kind of meditation for some people, being able to really concentrate on being masterful with your discipline."

My thoughts exactly.

Like I said, it's quality entertainment.

Anyway, apparently I wasn't the only excited one for Steven Seagal's reality show debut. The premiere of Lawman drew 3.4 million viewers, which is the highest ever for a premiere on A&E. So that's about 3.4 million people more than normally watch A&E shows. Basically, Steven Seagal is to A&E what Jon and Kate were to TLC... except watching one show makes you angry to the point you want to beat someone up, and the other show features Steven Seagal. Anyway, be sure to check it out. I mean, come on, when has Steven Seagal ever disappointed?

Another NBA Season, Another Amazingly Terrible Warriors Team

The Punch has been out of commission the last few weeks for three main reasons: First, I'm lazy. Second, believe it or not I actually put a lot of thought into what I write, so it takes a lot of time to write some of these posts. And because things outside of my blog realm have been busier of late, I've had less time available to post. And third, I haven't really found anything worth really writing about lately. And then the NBA season started... which meant a new year for the Warriors... which meant a new level of dysfunctionality. (By the way, dysfunctionality isn't actually a word. That's how absurd this team is-- you need to create words to describe them.)

Anyway, I don't need to give you a breakdown of the stuff that's gone down recently. If you follow basketball even remotely, you already have a good idea. At this point, it's just comical how incapable this team is at doing anything right. And that goes beyond just things on the court. If the players and their ineptness to play sound basketball brought the franchise to its knees, then coaching and management provided the knockout blow.

Okay, I changed my mind. It bothers me so much that I have to breakdown what's gone so wrong for this team so far...

There was the whole Stephen Jackson saga. This guy went from being one of my favorite players on the Warriors to public enemy number one pretty much overnight. I seriously felt like I was reliving that whole T.O. fiasco when he was with the Niners years ago. Like T.O., Jack thinks way too highly of himself. He sees himself as a franchise player, someone like a LeBron or Kobe. So when things start going bad, he thinks he can demand anything he wants like a star player normally does. The problem, though, is that he's just... well... Stephen Jackson. At the same time, though, the Warriors have been so bad recently that he's been the team's best player which has given him an ego bigger than Kanye West. Anyway, the Warriors finally traded him for a guy who needs season-ending surgery and another guy whose name sounds more like a hockey player than a basketball player. And somehow, the Warriors can actually feel good about the deal. Yes, it's been that kind of year.

Then there's the injuries. Andris Biedrins has played in a grand total of four games this year, killing the Warriors and my fantasy team at the same time. Ronny Turiaf is hurt. Brandon Wright is hurt. CJ Watson has the freaking swine flu. And (my favorite Warrior) Kelenna Azubuike is done for the season with a knee injury. And we all know it's only a matter of time before Corey Maggette gets hurt. (By the way, I actually had a dream the other night that Kelenna Azubuike was playing again. I'm not sure what it means, but it's probably not a good sign when you start dreaming that slightly above-average players aren't injured anymore.)

And then there's Don Freaking Nelson. I don't get this guy. I really don't. You know this team is going absolutely nowhere. Wouldn't you see that as all the more reason to mix things up, put your young guys in there, get them some experience, and allow them to start meshing together for the future? Apparently, that's not in the Don Nelson coaching handbook. (Neither is defense.) Instead, Nellie likes to play mind games by giving the youngsters big minutes one night, then less than 10 the next. And this is even more confounding when you consider he has two of the best young players in the league in Anthony Randolph and Stephen Curry. They've both shown they have the skills to play in the NBA and yet Nelson seems to refuse to believe it. Look, I appreciate what Nellie has done for this team and the success that he was able to generate. But coaches have been fired for much less than what he's done lately. It's time to leave Don Nelson behind.

So where do the Warriors stand now? Well, after nice wins over Portland and Dallas, the Dubs followed by getting smacked down by over 30 points to the Lakers. Apparently the six man rotation isn't the best way to run a squad. Look, this is still a fun team to watch. They score like nobody's business and they have some really talented players. But when I watch them play, I never feel comfortable. When they're winning, they sort of lull you into believing they have the game in control. Instead, they manage to let the other team go on a massive run and get back into the game. Then the Dubs start jacking up desperation threes every possession, fail to rebound, and wind up getting destroyed down the stretch.

It's like watching a horror movie. The stupid teenagers think they've finally killed the axe murderer. They think they're safe.. but of course he's not dead! He comes back to life (sometimes several times over the course of many sequels) and eventually kills them all.

And you know how you can see the killer coming up from behind the victim and you want to yell at them to run away? I have a similar experience when watching the Warriors...

"No, Corey! We're only down one point! We're still in this game! You don't need to take that three from halfcourt! NO!!!!!"

It makes the days of "WE BELIEVE" seem so long ago....


But look on the bright side, fellow Warriors faithful: at least we're not the Nets.

MLB Playoff Preview

If it's October, it must mean one thing: the MLB playoffs; aka the only time baseball is actually really fun to watch on TV. I came to one conclusion after watching the first round of the playoffs: each eliminated team could blame one player for their ousting. Here's the rundown:

Colorado Rockies: Huston Street
I've never had that much faith in Huston Street. Maybe it's because he battles stretches of extreme inconsistency where he's either unhittable, or he's so bad that he wouldn't be able to get your grandma out. Unfortunately for the Rockies, the latter was the case during the NLDS.

NLDS stat line: 2.2 IP, 6H, 4ER, 3BB, 2 losses, and 1 blown save.


St. Louis Cardinals: Matt Holliday
Dude, just catch the freaking ball and the game is yours. Just imagine if the Cards had won Game 2. The series goes back to St. Louis tied at one and probably ends up going the full five. Instead, the Dodgers take control and sweep. Think this might have an effect on Matt Holliday's contract offers next year? Yeah.. probably not. Some team will end up overpaying for him and he can bathe himself clean of that dropped flyball with his millions of dollars.

NLDS stat line: Worst time for a dropped flyball ever.

Minnesota Twins: Joe Nathan
One of the best closers in the game, Joe came undone in the ALDS. He was three outs from stealing Game 2 in the Bronx, and then melted down. (It also was probably a bad omen that the two guys he had to face first in that ninth inning were Tex and A-Rod who were lifetime .500 hitters against him.) At least it came during the playoffs and not during the regular season, so your fantasy team was safe.

ALDS stat line: 2 games, 2.0 IP, 5 H, 2 ER, 1 HR, 1 blown save

Boston Red Sox: David Ortiz
I know Papelbon was the guy on the mound and allowed the Angels to comeback and eventually eliminate the Sox, but let's face it -- Ortiz pretty much brought down the Red Sox this year. His positive steroid test pretty much confirmed what Red Sox fans had been in denial of for years, and now that he's off the juice he's been exposed for what he really is: an overweight baseball player with mediocre skills. Papi needs a hug.

ALDS stat line: 3 games, 1-for-12, 4 strikeouts, 0 RBI

But like Mark McGwire, I'm not here to talk about the past. My team to beat? The Yankees. They look good. Real good. They're pitching well and coming up with timely hitting. But perhaps the most important thing? They seem loose and it looks like they're actually having fun playing. Also crucial: postseason A-Rod is hitting the ball like regular season A-Rod. If they end up winning the whole thing, Yankee fans need to line up for the next Kate Hudson movie the day after the World Series ends.

Anyway, we're down to four teams, so here's The Punch's Championship Series predictions.

ALCS
Yankees in 6.
MVP: Tex

NLCS:
Phillies in 7.
MVP: The temp aka Ryan Howard.

There's only one October! (Just like there's only one of every other month too....)

The Greatest Episode of The Office Ever

The title pretty much says it all. Six seasons of The Office have been leading up this episode and it absolutely delivered in every way possible. Sure, the wedding of everyone's favorite TV couple was great and that's the main reason why we tuned in. But the episode as a whole was arguably one of the funniest in recent memory. I'm pretty sure I've watched it five times since it aired on Thursday. I can't get enough. Anyway, I present to you my top-five Office wedding episode moments.

(Also, did anyone else notice that Pam's sister was really hot? Watch it again. Seriously, she's pretty fine.)

5. The entire office puking
Good Lord, this was one of the most random, but also most hilarious opening sequences ever. There's just something about watching a chain reaction puking that's comic gold. Awesome. And how can you not like Creed sitting there eating his noodles while everyone is throwing up around him?

4. Kevin
Kevin has been finding more and more hilarious moments as the show progresses. He came through yet again with his tissue box shoes, the hair piece, and the resting of his feet in the ice machine. So childish, so goofy, so awesome. How can you not love Kevin?

3. Dwight's wolf shirt
Let's be honest: the wolf shirt is the epitome of Dwight Schrute. And how can you argue with it when it helped him to hook up with Pam's friend? AAWOOOOO!!

2. Andy tearing his scrotum
I have to say that Andy is climbing the ladder of my favorite characters on The Office. The way he tries so hard to fit in and be accepted while letting everyone walk all over him, and how nothing ever goes right for him, you can't help but laugh. It just goes to prove that it's always funny as long as it's not happening to you. And a torn scrotum pretty much fits the bill.

Anyway, this event led to one of my favorite exchanges of the entire episode:

Meredith: Crotch injuries are the worst. You don't need to tell me.
Andy: ...I wasn't telling you.
Meredith: Is there still something there?
Andy: Excuse me?
Meredith: They didn't get torn off?
Andy: Nothing got torn off! Who told you that?!
Jim: I may have told some people that. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married.

1. Forever
What else would number one be? The entire episode was building up to this moment and it was awesome. The wedding could have been done super cheesy and sappy, with deep vows between Jim and Pam, and honestly that would have been fine. But it really turned into an Office kind of wedding ceremony. I also loved how the whole thing was edited between the dancing down the aisle and Jim and Pam out at Niagara Falls. It was the perfect mix of humor and sweetness, and when it was all over, you couldn't help but smile just like Michael did at the end. (By the way, I realize some people didn't know the connection to the infamous YouTube video. Watch it and it'll all make sense.)

Also, "Forever" is ridiculously catchy. Yes, I know Chris Brown isn't exactly the model human being, but you can't help but sing along and enjoy the song.

One more bonus moment: I think the sweetest moment of the episode was when Jim comforted Pam, who was distraught after tearing her veil, by promptly grabbing a pair of scissors and cutting his tie in half. You want to know why all girls love Jim Halpert? Exhibit A. I mean, damn, the guy comes through in the clutch so often that part of ME wants to marry him.

Anyway, all in all, The Office wedding was everything we could have asked for and more. See you at the baby's birth.

Ay Papi! - Lessons from Miami

I recently took a trip to Miami with several friends for a good old fashioned vacation. Here are some things that I learned...

1. Miami may as well be a foreign country
There's a line in the Will Smith song "Miami" that goes something like, "Real sweet faces/ Every different nation/ Spanish, Haitian, Indian, Jamaican/ Black, White, Cuban, and Asian."

That line is pretty accurate... if you take out Indian, Black, White, and Asian. In fact, I'm pretty sure I saw less than ten other Asians the entire time I was in Miami. The majority of the white people I saw were Oklahomans down in Miami to watch the football game. As for Indians? I certainly didn't see any House of Curries in South Beach.

Anyway, I really felt like I was in South America or something. Everyone speaks Spanish, has a Spanish accent, and I'd say over half of the signs around the city are written in Spanish. Sorry, Fresh Prince, but diversity is not really the name of the game in Miami.


2. If you're Hispanic/Latino, your radio stations are set to a different dial than everyone else's.
This one night, we went out to a club that a cab driver recommended. "It's in a good area, people like it a lot, I haven't heard anything bad about it, etc." Okay, guy, I'll take your advice. We're a bunch of Asian kids who don't know the area so we appreciate any tips we can get. There was, however, one thing that the driver neglected to mention: the club was about 98.5 percent Latino.
Needless to say, we stood out pretty good there. This point was driven home when the DJ started playing random Reggaeton songs that I had never heard of, but everyone else in the club knew all the words and was singing the lyrics in unison. Oh, and then there was also the time when the DJ asked for the following ethnic groups to make some noise: DOMINCANOS! CUBANOS! MEXICANOS! PUERTO RICANS!

So, yeah, it was a little awkward. I should say that it actually didn't turn out to be that bad once they started playing more mainstream songs. Plus, it was a good lesson in race relations. You know how when you go to a restaurant in Berkeley and there's that huge group of Asians sitting at a table but you also notice that one random white kid who's with them? And you can't help but laugh a little bit? Now I know what it's like to be the white kid.

3. Want to know who's not from around here? Go to the beach.
There's a few things you can count on when you go to a beach in Miami: gorgeous views, incredibly blue water that's actually warm enough to swim in, and Europeans who are wearing either a) a way too tight speedo if they're men, or b) no top and a thong if they're women. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it. Okay, well, I know how I feel about the men in speedos. But the women going topless thing, I have mixed feelings about. How can you complain about beautiful women being half-naked you might ask? Well, sure, there are lots of beautiful, young women who do it. But there are also lots of not-so-beautiful, older women who do it as well. And it's one of those things where you can't help but look... no bueno.

Yeah I don't know, man, the whole thing is just weird. Let's all just keep our clothes on, please.

4. Free checked bags on Southwest? Nah, I'm good.
Southwest Airlines allows you to check not one, but TWO bags for FREE. Once again, that's TWO BAGS FOR FREE. And yet, so many people on my flight decided to CARRY EVERYTHING ON. The problem in doing this is that the carry-on bins get completely filled up, which leads to passengers walking up and down the aisles looking to stuff their bag in any space possible, and when they can't find it, the stewardess then has to check the bags down below the plane anyway, and we end up leaving 20 minutes late. Also, when we de-plane, it takes that much longer to get off because everyone has so many freaking bags in random areas of the plane.

I realize that carrying on bags is a matter of convenience so that you don't need to wait at the baggage claim, but if we end up leaving late and then sit on the plane longer when we land so people can gather their bags, isn't convenience no longer applicable? Am I the only person who thinks this? Anyone? Bueller?

Anyway, Miami was a good time and a place that everyone should check out. But the weather conditions will eventually catch up to you. Seriously, 90-plus degrees with humidity makes it easier to come back home where it's actually comfortable to walk around outside. West side 'til we die.


And finally, on a completely unrelated note, The Office wedding last night was one of the greatest episodes of the show ever. Period. If you haven't already, watch it now. Seriously. Now.


PB and J!

Review: The Blueprint 3

Like any good hip-hop fan, I was highly anticipating the release of Jay-Z's Blueprint 3. Was it going to be his best work? Probably not. But Hova is arguably the greatest rapper out there right now, and I had no doubt that he'd give another solid effort. It's also probably worth mentioning that Jay-Z has something of Brett Favre syndrome going on, aka the inability to retire when he says he's going to retire. Remember, The Black Album was supposed to be his retirement album. That was back in 2003. Six years ago. When I was still in high school. Jay has released three albums since then. So much for getting out of the game. Well, he did also marry Beyonce during that time. Let's be real: you have to respect him for that alone. Okay, Hov, all is forgiven.

Anyway, back to Blueprint 3. Overall, I'd say that it's an excellent album. Not a classic, but it has its moments. The first five tracks are really solid, highlighted by "Run This Town" and "Empire State of Mind." In fact, "Empire State of Mind" is so good that it actually makes me feel like I'm from New York and that I should be reppin' the big city. Let's hear it for New Yooooork!

Anyway, after the opening five songs, Blueprint 3 is exposed as a mortal album. Some of the tracks are pretty good ("Off That" feat. Drake), some of the tracks are not so good ("Venus vs. Mars"), but most of them are so-so. However, the closing song, "Young Forever" feat. Mr Hudson, is one of the best tracks on the entire CD and redeems the relative average-ness of the last stretch of songs on the album.

Actually, I can kind of compare Blueprint 3 to a typical Cal football season: lots of preseason hype, everything starts out really solid, gets you excited and eager for more, stumbles midway through, can't completely recover, turns into an up and down remainder of the season, but manages to finish with a solid bowl win in the last game of the year.

In the end, Blueprint 3 simply reflects who Jay-Z is: a legend, past his prime, but still managing to put out solid work and make people interested in what he does. So yeah, he's basically Brett Favre, just without the constant flip-flopping and Wrangler jeans commercials.

Overall Grade: A-/B+

By the way, here are my top-three Jay-Z albums of all-time. Because I know you care.
1. Reasonable Doubt
2. The Blueprint
3. The Black Album

The Roc is in the building.

Fun With The Internet

No need for an in-depth explanation here; these are just a bunch of random links to things that I find amusing/funny/cool or some combination of the three. I'd also like to give special thanks to Steve Choi for sending me YouTube links all day while at work. Several of these are courtesy of him. Thanks, Stevie. On to the fun...

1. I heard this song a couple of times recently while I was driving in the car and it brought back memories of middle school: "No, No, No Part 2" by Destiny's Child and Wyclef. This was DC's first single and launched their careers. Actually, check that. It launched Beyonce's career and slowly buried everyone else's.

2. Okay, I know Roger Federer lost the U.S. Open Final, but he still had the shot of the tournament with this between-the-legs winner. Also, I've decided that one of the sporting events that I want to attend sometime in my life is the U.S. Open. Tennis matches are normally polite-applause affairs, but the U.S. Open is sort of the "eff you" to tennis etiquette. It's in New York, the fans go crazy, it pumps the players up, and they're not afraid to show their emotions without reservation. Of course, sometimes they might take it a bit far, but that just gets everyone even more riled up.

3. Everyone knows Kanye was on Leno the other night to apologize for Taylor Swift-gate. But he also performed "Run This Town" with Jay-Z and Rihanna at the end of the show. A well done performance of probably one of the better songs of the year.

It was also nice to see hip-hop artists able to perform their song well, as opposed to Drake, Lil Wayne, and the Young Money Crew at the BET Awards earlier this year. It actually starts out not too bad with Drake performing "Best I Ever Had." He had to sit while performing because he tore his ACL like the week before, but it was kind of like watching a poetry reading or something. But after "Best I Ever Had" ends and the other rappers come out, the performance slowly gets worse and worse until you realize someone needs to just mercy kill the whole thing. Seriously, this has got to be among the bottom-five worst live hip-hop performances ever. Not just because everyone starts screaming hysterically into their mics rather than actually just rapping the lyrics, but because when they performed "Every Girl" there's a bunch of THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS DANCING LIKE HOOCHIES ON THE STAGE as the rappers scream "I wish I could f* every girl in the world!!" Even the BET audience (which is usually very easily entertained) started out feeling the performance, but slowly got less and less into it as it wore on. And wasn't it nice how about 50 percent of the performance had to be blanked out because the rappers couldn't stop cussing on TV? Well done, gentlemen.

Also, I've read on some sites that one of the girls was actually Lil' Wayne's 13 year old daughter and the other girls were her friends. Nice, Weezy. You want to know why the BET Awards are an easy target of mockery year in and year out? This is Exhibit A.

One more thing. Can we all agree that Lil' Wayne is one of the most overrated rappers ever? His lyrics are mediocre at best and, as this performance proves, he sucks even harder without the aid of auto-tune. Come on, everyone. Open your eyes. Lil' Wayne is trash.

4. Sorry, I'm all worked up now. But nothing calms me down like a nice Jamba Juice. (Thanks to Jennie Chang for this one.)

5. A dream of all baseball fans is to catch a flyball. This man's dream came true... and was then shattered by his little daughter. Nonetheless, he's a loving dad and quick to give his girl a hug. But it just goes to prove one thing: girls can get away with anything...

6. And we come to the final link. Now, I'm a Blackberry owner and proud of it. I love mine and I encourage others to buy one if they're in the market for a smart phone. Of course, the big rival to Blackberry is the iPhone. I have nothing against the iPhone, I just prefer my Blackberry. But if there was ever a reason to get an iPhone, it's because of this app. If you were to buy an iPhone over a Blackberry only because you wanted this app, I would completely understand and have nothing but respect for you.


AND DON'T FORGET: SEASON SIX OF THE OFFICE PREMIERES TONIGHT!!!!!!

Lessons in Etiquette from Serena and Kanye

There are few things that I enjoy more than ranting about something that bothers me. But if I can't be the one doing the complaining, the next best option is to watch another well accomplished complainer at work. This weekend, we were treated to not one, but TWO masters of the craft showing off their talents.

First up, there was Serena Williams at the U.S. Open on Saturday night. Here's a quick recap of what happened: Serena was called for a foot fault on her second serve at the end of her match with Kim Clijsters, which gave Clijsters match point. Serena was not pleased. She began pacing and then, well... you can just watch what happened for yourself.

(At this point, I'd like to apologize to non-tennis people out there because you probably have no idea what any of that last paragraph meant. If that's the case, I invite you to just skip ahead. Why waste each other's time, right?)

I don't think those two are going to be exchanging Christmas cards anytime soon. Anyway, the line judge in question ran over like a whipped dog, told the head ump that Serena was threatening her, and the head ump and tournament officials ultimately called an unsportsmanlike penalty on Serena, which translated into a point for Clijsters to give her the match.

Now, a foot fault is something I don't think I've ever seen called during a pro tennis match because it's the ultimate of ticky tack calls in tennis. If you're going to call one, that foot better be CLEARLY over the line (which it wasn't in Serena's case). Also, to essentially decide a match with a call like that is about as weak sauce as it comes. And it's not just any match; it's the semifinal of the US Open. This isn't some high school JV tennis match. These are skilled players and, as such, they should be ones to decide the outcome, not a ref.

Okay, so let's talk a bit about Serena's rant. Was it out of line? Yeah, probably. Was it a ridiculous loss of composure? Totally. But as someone who has yelled at a ref or two in his life, I absolutely loved it. Too many refs act like they're above the law and go on power trips because they have so much influence over a game or match. You gotta put them in their place sometimes. For that, I give you a high five, Serena.

Speaking of acting like they're above the law...

It's time for Kanye West. Funny, I had just started thinking that it had been a while since Kanye had done anything really controversial. Right on cue, Mr. West.

As we all know by now, thanks to our friends' Facebook status updates, as Taylor Swift was being given the award for Best Female Video at the MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye jumped onstage, grabbed the mic from her, and began telling the crowd (and Taylor Swift as well) how Beyonce should have won the award for "Single Ladies." Here's a complete recap and video of the incident.

Okay, let's break this down. First off, anyone who knows me knows I love Kanye. And as a Kanye fan, you sort of learn to live with his behavior and his constant need for attention. It's kind of like being a Giants fan and liking Barry Bonds. Did he do 'roids? Yeah, probably. But the guy was a native son of San Francisco, he was the best player on our team for years, he made us immeasurably better, and he made us nationally relevant. As a result, we loved him (and continue to love him) unconditionally. Same goes for Kanye. He does/says stupid and obnoxious things, but we still love him.

With all that being said, there's no way to argue that Kanye wasn't a huge douche on Sunday night. It was Taylor Swift's moment and he had to steal it away from her. But while Kanye may think he was giving Beyonce her props by saying she should have won, the only person he was putting the spotlight on was himself. Look, 'Ye, as a true fan of yours, I can only say this: get over yourself, dude. It's time to grow up and just do your thing without being so caught up in the lives of other people. I still love you, man (as long as you don't do another 808s and Heartbreak-type album), but it's getting harder and harder to defend you.

Kanye does bring up a very good point, though: how the hell did Taylor Swift beat Beyonce?? Beyonce's video KILLS Taylor Swift's! Beyonce's was innovative, entertaining, and memorable. It also became so popular that it was turned into an awesome SNL parody. Taylor Swift's video? It's basically a four minute teen chick flick. I've seen hundreds of videos like this one! And furthermore, the only reason I even watched it was because of Kanye's outburst! Maybe she should be thanking Kanye for giving her more exposure.

It should also be noted that at the end of the night, Beyonce won Video of the Year and gave her acceptance speech time to Taylor Swift. B is a classy lady and I have a ton of respect for her. She's also hella fine.

There is one more thing that's bothering me, though: Beyonce didn't win Female Video of the Year, but she won the overall Video of the Year? How is that possible? (By the way, this was annoying me so much that I just looked it up: "Single Ladies" has over 65 million hits on YouTube and "You Belong With Me" has about 3 million. The numbers never lie, people. Unless, of course, you're Bernie Madoff). The logic of these award shows lacks big time and gives further proof that they're rigged just so that more celebrities get camera time. But I guess the VMAs are a good way for MTV to stay relevant in the music world since they do just about nothing music related anymore. In fact, I'd go out on a limb and say that MTV contributes nothing positive to society as a whole. Well, except for this show, of course...

Stay classy, MTV. (That goes for you too, Serena and Kanye.)

A Shot at... Assault and Battery

I have to share my thoughts on this whole Shawne Merriman/Tila Tequila fiasco. In case you haven't heard, Merriman (who is a football player with the San Diego Chargers) allegedly choked and threw Tila Tequila to the ground after an argument last week. (Rumor has it that they're a couple, which Merriman denies.) He says, however, that he was trying to keep her from driving away intoxicated that night and was protecting her.

(As a side note, it took me a while to find a PG-13 rated picture of Tila Tequila. We're trying to keep it as clean as possible here at The Punch... for the kids. But that probably speaks volumes about Tila Tequila.)

Anyway, I got home that night and went to ESPN.com and spot the headline, "Merriman accused of assaulting Tequila." I was initially confused; is it a bad thing that Shawne Merriman assaulted Mexican alcohol? Also, what does that even mean? I eventually clicked the story to find out that it was referencing the MTV reality star. My immediate reaction wasn't, "Damn, that's terrible." It was more like, "I can't believe there's a serious news story out there that has to actually cite someone named 'Tila Tequila.'"

But I really can't stand that flooz, mainly because I can't figure out how she became famous enough to get her own reality show. Is it because she's hot? I see hotter girls than her walking down the street all the time. Is it because she's bi-sexual? This is the Yay Area; there's a good chance some of those girls walking down the street have "bi" on their resumes as well. I don't know; I really can't figure it out.

I have to give her credit for one thing, though -- the premise of Shot at Love was pretty ingenious. The popularity of reality shows relies on their potential for absurd and ridiculous drama. (Why do you think T.O. has his own show?) And what better way to create absurd and ridiculous drama than to have straight men and lesbian women chasing after the same person? It was destined to be a success from day one.

Anyway, for the record, I'm not a huge Shawne Merriman fan either. I personally think the dude is a douche. And rumor has it that Chargers management doesn't like his extracurricular activities off the football field and they're going to let him go once his contract is up. Also, it's unclear who the person at fault in this incident is with all the he said, she said going on. But Merriman does have this in his favor in terms of credibility: his name isn't "Tila Tequila." Seriously, I feel so much dumber every time I even say her name. Go ahead and try it. Say "Tila Tequila" five times in a row and keep in mind that she seriously calls herself that. You'll understand what I mean.

Okay, slight update. I just read on Tila's Wikipedia that she claims she couldn't have been drunk that night with Merriman because she has some sort of allergy to alcohol. If that's true, then she officially has the worst stage name ever. I would say it's the most ironic thing I've heard in recent memory, until I read this story.


Well played, NFL. You win.

UPDATE: Since we're on the topic of irony, this story needs to be shared as well. A staunch conservative Republican assemblyman, who was once given a 100% rating by an organization that supports "traditional family values," was caught on tape during a break at an assembly meeting describing in graphic detail not one, but TWO different affairs he was having with young, female lobbyists. I would say it's disappointing, but this type of thing happens so often that I wasn't even surprised. I honestly found it more hilarious than anything else. You think young, in-shape athletes get all the chicks? Wrong. Fat, old white congressmen are the ones getting the most action.

Big Trouble in Little China

The Punch is finally back after a two week trip to China. I had originally hoped to write some posts while overseas and keep people updated on my travels. However, the Chinese government has taken the liberty of blocking several websites from the public. This includes dangerous websites such as Facebook, YouTube, and any site with the word "blog" in it. So the running diary was not meant to be. But now that we're back in America where freedom rings (U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!), I figure I'd dedicate this entry to the China trip.

I had thought about going into detail about my various stops in China, but realized I was going to just be rambling on and on -- and that's not really what people want to read. So instead, here are a few observations I made during my time in China...

1. Chinese people are impatient
Exhibit A: Me and Alex Shen were waiting for the subway and were first in line to get on. As the train pulls into the station, we're suddenly being pushed up to the doors by the mass group of people trying to get prime position to get on the car. Waiting their turn to get on was out of the question, and they instead insisted on being the first ones on, even if it meant trampling us in the process. I felt like I needed some riot gear and tear gas to keep them back.

Exhibit B: When I first landed in Beijing, the plane had just pulled up to the gate and people were starting to grab their bags and line up in the aisles to deplane. As I'm standing there, I feel a sudden push at my right arm. There's an old Chinese woman forcing her way through and around people to get to the front. Mind you, the doors aren't even open yet; no one can move. But this lady was on a mission. That or she was told there was a prize for being the first one off.

2. You can never be careful enough about what you eat in foreign countries.
For the first 13 of my 15 days in China, I managed to avoid getting sick from eating anything. I consider this a particular victory when one considers that the last time I was in Asia (Korea 2006), I got absurdly sick from eating something. Like, really sick. Long story short, it was a pretty miserable two or three days, and one of my goals on the China trip was to not replicate that. On day number 14 of 15, however, the streak was broken. My last night in China, I started feeling pretty bad in my stomach. Needless to say, a long night ensued. (BTW, I'm pretty sure I got sick from eating a Dairy Queen Blizzard. It wasn't even Chinese food; it was an American concoction. My home country betrayed me. In spite of that, I'm pretty forgiving, so I'll probably be back in line at a DQ by the end of the month because, damn, DQ Blizzards are awesome.)

The one thing I had to remind myself of was that I was going to embark on a 10-12 hour plane ride in the morning. This left me with two choices: One, hope by some miracle of God that the bad food would somehow naturally pass through my system by morning. Or two, force it out. After feeling pretty terrible for three hours or so in the middle of the night, I decided to go with option two meaning I pretty much had to force myself to throw up. I'll spare you the details, but I felt like a bulimic teenager. Anyway, it ended up working for the most part. I popped some Immodium throughout flight home and I made back to the states without any major incidents.

3. Stuff in China may be cheap, but you've got to stick to your principles
The exchange rate in China is about 6.8 Yuan to the dollar. Let's put that in perspective: a combo meal at McDonalds (which probably costs around six or seven dollars with tax in America) costs about 24 Yuan in China, or less than four dollars American. So for an American to be in China, it's a pretty good deal.

Still, you've got to stand up for yourself and your wallet a little. After a two day hike through the mountains above Tiger Leaping Gorge, our backpacking group of five wanted to make the descent to bottom of the gorge to see the river. There was an old woman there, however, whose family had apparently built a path down to the river and they were charging 10 yuan per person to walk down it. Now, look, 10 yuan is not even $1.50 American. But we had already paid 50 Yuan to climb the mountain, and now this old woman wanted more? Again, it's not a ton of money, but the PRINCIPLE of it made us argue with her for a while. In the end, we ended up paying the fare. You might think we were kind of dumb to fight about this with a woman who didn't have very much, but being in China does something to you. You think less in terms of how much something costs, and more in terms of whether you should be paying a certain amount period.

Alex Shen made a pretty good point though: it's a lot cheaper to make it rain in China.

4. No place like home
As much as I enjoyed my time in China, it's nice to be back in the U.S. It's nice to be able to eat without having to worry about whether it'll make me sick. It's nice to be able to use my cell phone freely. It's nice to be able to go on Facebook. And it's nice to be able to drive knowing that the majority of the other drivers are going to obey traffic laws.

Oh, and it was nice to come back and have the same songs that were played on the radio non-stop when I left, still playing non-stop when I returned... namely Drake "Best I Ever Had" and Keri Hilson/Ne-Yo/Kanye "Knocks You Down." Seriously... aren't people tired of these songs yet?


Anyway, it's good to be home.

Review: GI Joe

While walking out of the theater after watching GI Joe this past Friday, I went onto Facebook on my Blackberry and posted this: "GI Joe was without a doubt the best movie of the year."

What did I learn from doing this? I need to improve the sarcastic tone in my Facebook status updates.

To be fair, GI Joe was pretty much what I expected it to be: a fairly mindless action movie with little plot, a poor-bordering-on-REALLY-poor script, overly patriotic themes, lots of overly dramatic macho speeches, and actors who were chosen for their roles mainly based on how hot they were. Also, this movie had Marlon Freaking Wayans in it. That screams volumes about your movie's credibility when he's one of the guys that's supposed to carry the movie.

Anyway, speaking as someone with half a brain, this movie was pretty terrible. Speaking as someone who often times doesn't use half a brain, I actually don't really regret watching it. So with that in mind, there are three fundamental questions about GI Joe that should be asked:

Was it entertaining? Yes, on many levels it was. Thanks in large part to the over the top, no-way-in-hell-will-this-ever-be-possible technology, the characters are able to do ridiculous things that result in some decently fun-to-watch action sequences. But it was also entertaining in terms of how stupid it was at times. And I don't just mean the action; I'm talking about some of the lines and the way the movie flowed in general. Just stupid.

Was it cool? When I say cool, I mean cool in terms of the way that Star Wars was cool with its incredible graphics and CGI computer craziness that made you watch in amazement. So now that we have the definition, GI Joe was far from cool. In fact, GI Joe would probably be the chess club captain who gets his lunch money stolen every day at school. I swear, if I knew how to work my Mac better, I could probably create better 3-D graphics than some of the GI Joe scenes. I don't know what the allotted budget for this movie was, but I'm sure it was huge. Clearly they didn't invest that money into the graphics department (or into the script writing department).

And finally... was it good? Absolutely not. Keep in mind, I didn't expect that it would be. I think it would have been a bigger surprise to me if the movie had actually turned out to be halfway decent. And this is the thing to keep in mind when watching GI Joe: keep your expectations low, and you'll leave feeling okay about the movie... and about yourself for having watched the movie.

Now you know! And knowing is half the battle.

Holy Crap, This Blog Still Gets Updated!

I apologize that it's been so long since I've updated the blog. The last few weeks have brought a myriad of activity that's kept me busy and exhausted. But we're back in business and I bring a promise to stay more committed and on top of updating this blog. (I can also pretty much guarantee that we'll be having this conversation a few more times this year.)

Anyway, there's something that's been on my mind for a while now which I'll share with you. They say there's only two things guaranteed in life: death and taxes. Borrowing from that adage, if you listen to the radio, there's pretty much only one thing guaranteed: the Black Eyed Peas. Seriously, they're on every station, at every hour, of every day. You can't escape them.

Now, I consider myself a pretty big hip-hop fan. And there's a fairly well-known rule of thumb among hip-hop fans: you have to hate the Black Eyed Peas. For those of you who are unaware, this is the basic story: There was a time, a long time ago, when the Black Eyed Peas were an actual hip-hop group. I can hear BEP fans now: "Wait, they ARE hip-hop! What are you talking about??" Okay, no, they are not hip-hop. The Black Eyed Peas as they are now known are absolutely pop music. Listen to their pre-Elephunk album stuff. The BEP sound was much, much different; a lot cleaner and a lot more down to earth (try "Joints and Jams"). Anyway, stop interrupting. Let's get back to the story.

So what happened? A woman by the name of Fergie joined the group, their ideas and goals changed, and the sound was transformed forever. Now, the BEPs are wayyy poppier and clearly gear their songs to being catchy. Exhibit A: "My Humps" -- arguably one of the worst songs ever written in terms of lyrics. Seriously, Google the lyrics to that song. It's terrible.

Okay, so I know it sounds like I'm being kind of a hip-hop elitist and basically arguing that the BEPs suck because they abandoned their real hip-hop roots and decided to sell out by being pop music. Two things. First, I have no problem with Top-40 pop music. It's all good, baby. I'm down with it. But I have a problem when music tries to act and sell itself as something else. That's what the BEPs do. Second, I'm not going to completely hate on someone for selling out. Look, if you knew that you could make millions and millions of more dollars by changing your sound, you would seriously think about doing it no matter how strong your musical compass might be.

So then what's the biggest reason why I hate the Black Eyed Peas? It's this: these fools make silly, borderline mindless music, and they're Top-40 pop music trying to masquerade as hip-hop... but I CAN'T HELP BUT LISTEN... AND KIND OF LIKE IT. I'm so torn; whenever "I Gotta Feeling" comes on (and it's on a LOT), I want to change the freaking station immediately. But instead, I end up listening to the entire song.

I just spent five minutes staring at that last paragraph trying to go on, but I'm just having a hard time putting it all into words about what kind of conflict goes on in my head and heart.

I think the only way I can put it is like this: You know how you have that kind-of-friend in your life that you and your other friends find fairly annoying, but you still act like their friend to be nice? And even though you try to find reasons to get away from them and get out of the "friendship," they're actually pretty good to you and do great things for you; stuff like picking up the bill at dinner, or treating you out on your birthday. So as much as you might want to, you can't get out of being friends with this person. You're stuck with them. And while you might reap the benefits, you also can't help but feel guilty in the process.

That sums it up pretty well. In the end, I just flatout feel guilty for finding even a small bit of joy in Black Eyed Peas' music. It's terrible, it's annoying, and I hate myself for even having to fight this battle. But I know it's a battle I'll continue to lose for a long time.

(P.S. Good Lord, I forgot that the name of their last album was Monkey Business. I enjoyed songs off an album called Monkey Business. MONKEY BUSINESS. Seriously, I'm out of words.)

The Official Jonathan Sanchez No-Hitter Running Diary

As promised, I'm delivering a retro-running diary of Jonathan Sanchez's no-hitter last Friday, arguably the best sporting event I've ever attended. As a reminder, I write for a publication that covers the Giants and thus graces me with a media credential for all their home games. I say this to explain why I'm in the press box, on the field, etc. Anyway, come with me as we re-visit the no-no...

Pregame
I arrive about an hour or so before game time and pull into the assigned media parking lot. Apparently there's a carnival that's set up shop in one of the other lots, though, and that means I have to park back at Pier 30/32. Upon being told this, I give the parking attendant some attitude because it just took me about 20-plus minutes to drive down the freaking Embarcadero, and now I have to back track about five or six blocks. I think to myself that this can't be a good omen for the night to come.

I finally make it back to the park and as I'm walking down the hallway, I pass Jon Miller (the radio play-by-play announcer for the Giants). He looks more roley poley in person than he does on TV; and he's also wearing a cardigan sweater with shorts and flip-flops -- it screams old white man. I guess that's one of the advantages of doing radio -- you can wear whatever the hell you want. I say hi to him and wish him a good call for the game tonight.

I walk out onto the field as the Padres are finishing up batting practice. I don't really have any reason to be out there; no Giants are on the field, and I don't need to do any interviews or anything like that. Honestly, I just walk around because I can. I don't say that to sound like a jerk; I just figure that I should take advantage of opportunities like that.

Anyway, your starting pitcher for the Giants tonight is Jonathan Sanchez. As we all recall, Jonny had some trouble earlier this year with his command and was forced out of the rotation a few weeks ago. But with Randy Johnson injured, Sanchez will be getting another shot this evening. He'll be taking on the San Diego Padres, who have managed the impossible: they actually have a worse offense than the Giants.

Dinner Time
I decide to eat the media dinner that is available (for a fee of course... it would be preposterous for a professional baseball team that makes millions of dollars a year to actually give something away for free). On the menu tonight: fried chicken, mashed potatoes, salad, fish, sandwiches, cookies, and probably other stuff that I'm forgetting. Yeah, they don't serve the garlic fries and hot dogs here, which I think is a travesty. Anyway, I decide right then that I'm going to make the Giants sorry for having dinner buffet style. I eat a plate full of food and, before heading back to the press box, make myself a huge sandwich and take two cookies for the road. Yes... things are looking up.

First Inning
Sanchez comes out dealing. He strikes out two of the first three batters he faces. Steven Choi is at the game tonight and I'll eventually make my way out to where he's sitting and watch the game with him. But after seeing Sanchez look strong in the first inning, I'm reminded of a conversation I had with him that went something like this:

Me: Who's pitching tonight? Sanchez?
Steve: Maloooo...

Considering how poorly he had been pitching so far this season, Steve's assessment was pretty right on. But so far, Jonathan looks good and in control. But we've got a long way to go.

Second Inning
The Giants score four runs. This is sort of how the Giants offense has gone this season: all or nothing. It can be a lot of fun to watch when it's going well... but it also makes me want to punch someone in the face when it's going poorly.

Giants 4, Padres 0

Fifth Inning
Pablo Sandoval crushes a home run on the first pitch he sees over the right-center field wall. And I mean he CRUSHES it. That was Barry Bonds kind of stuff on that swing; the kind of bomb that makes you start high-fiving the strangers around you. The only problem? I'm sitting in the press box and everyone there is remaining "professional" and not showing any emotion. You'd think I was at a funeral with all the blank expressions staring out onto the field.

Giants 7, Padres 0

Sixth Inning
After being around those Debbie Downers, I decide it's time to get out of there and sit with people who can actually express their feelings and make the walk up to where Steve's sitting. Before I do, though, I notice that Sanchez still hasn't given up a hit through six. For whatever reason, it's felt like he's been doing a lot worse. But when I think about, yeah... I guess he HAS been doing pretty well. Sanchez induced a lot of flyball and groundball outs between the second and fifth innings, and only lately has started striking guys out again. A lot of people say that the strikeout is one of the more overrated stats in baseball, but one thing it absolutely does do is give the impression of dominance. At that point in the game, even after I had watched nearly every single pitch, you could have told me that Sanchez had given up five hits and walked three guys, and I would have believed you. Again, the strikeout may not be an indication of dominance, but it IMPLIES dominance.

Seventh Inning
For those of you that don't know, one of the rules of a no-hitter is that you don't talk about it while it's going on because that jinxes it. I walk to Steve's section and, as I sit down, the first thing he says to me is: "Sanchez has a no-hitter going!!"

I do my best to try and not say anything about the no-hitter, but it gets increasingly difficult the more it looks like it's actually going to happen. By the middle of the eighth inning, I'm calling people telling them to turn the game on and watch.

Also, it's worth noting that the Giants get a mini-rally going in the bottom of the eighth which actually worries me because it means Sanchez is getting cold in the dugout. As grateful as I should be that the Giants are doing something good on offense, I'm actually hoping the Giants stop scoring runs. They push across one more and it's time for the final inning...

Giants 8, Padres 0

Ninth Inning
The most nerve-wracking ninth inning I've ever witnessed in my life. I freak out every single time a batter swings, and freak out even more if he makes contact with the ball.

After getting the first batter to ground out to short, Edgar Gonzalez smashes one to center field. The entire park holds its breath... and let's out a collective sigh when Aaron Rowand leaps up and comes down with the ball in his glove. Seriously, I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

The last batter is Everth Cabrera and Sanchez eventually works the count to 2-2. He winds, throws a curveball, Cabrera watches it go by, the ump throws his hand up, and the no-hitter has become reality. The crowd goes wild and the players mob Sanchez on the field. A phenomenal game.

Sanchez's final line: 9 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 11 Ks; 110 Pitches - 77 Strikes

Postgame Analysis
I wrote this in my last entry but for a while, I had come to peace with the belief that I would never see a no-hitter live in my life. There might be no event in all of sports that's as rare and unpredictable as a no-hitter. You can't plan on it, you can't buy tickets in advance for one. It's just a matter of being in the right place at the right time, and fortunately I was on this night.

When I think about it, I really can't remember the last time I was this excited at a ball game. It's been six years since the Giants were last in the playoffs, and that's the only thing I can even compare the level of excitement to. (As a side note, the Giants are playing out of their minds this year. If you had told me before the season that they would be 10 games over .500 with the second best record in the National League, I would have thought you were the most untrustworthy person in the world, with Bernie Madoff being a close second).

I've been sitting here for a while now trying to write what it was all like. Honestly, though, I'm really out of words to express what it meant to be there. I'll just say congratulations to Jonathan Sanchez. Thanks for the memories. You did good, kid. And you also increased your potential trade value. So thanks for that as well.

P.S. I recorded the final out and posted it on YouTube. Relive that moment with me...

No No No

I was at the Giants game on Friday night to witness Jonathan Sanchez throw a no-hitter. I'm going to do a retro-running diary of this game soon, so stay tuned for that. But for now, I'll just say this: I was pretty certain that I would never, ever, ever see a no-hitter live and in person. No-hitters are, of course, extremely rare. There have only been 220 in baseball history since 1900; a rate of essentially two a year. Those are already pretty poor odds to see one happen.

On top of that, you have to actually attend the game that the no-hitter is going to be thrown in. I've gone to probably close to 10 games this year so far, which puts me on pace for around 20 this season. I consider that a lot for one baseball season. But the Giants play 81 home games, and 162 overall.Not the best odds. And don't forget that there's no guarantee that a no-hitter is going to happen during the season at all, or that it'll even happen to the Giants. Remember, the last time a Giants pitcher threw a no-hitter was 33 years ago -- 10 years before I was even born.

Sure, you can try and up your odds by going to a game being pitched by the team's ace. But Jonathan Sanchez was far from the ace on this team; his ERA was in the 5.30 range, he boasted a 2-8 record, and had been recently demoted to the bullpen because he had been pitching so poorly. I think everyone coming to the park on Friday night was preparing for the worst, just proving that you can never predict how it's going turn out.

So back to the point: attendance at a no-hitter is pretty much just dumb luck. You need a whole combination of forces working at once, and fortunately it all came together on this night. Congratulations to Jonathan Sanchez.

Also, find the video of Jonathan Sanchez's postgame news conference. You can see the top of my head at the bottom of the screen -- the black haired person on the left. Hollerrr.

This is Bad, Real Bad, Michael Jackson

When Michael Jackson passed away a couple weeks ago, like everyone else, I was stunned and somewhat saddened. He was a fabulous entertainer and certainly an icon in the music world. What I couldn't have predicted at the time of his death was how over the top the entire universe would go over his passing, and how ridiculously out of hand the whole situation has gotten.

Let's consider three things:

1) Michael Jackson's memorial service and the parade through LA was paid for by the state of California. And it cost $4 million. Once again, FOUR MILLION DOLLARS. Let me remind you that this is a state whose budget is about as stable as the Titanic after it got hit by the iceberg. And after it was already halfway to the bottom of the ocean. And after Leonardo DiCaprio was left frozen to death in the water. California is cutting funding to numerous public programs while raising taxes and public university tuition, and writing tons of IOUs. Don't forget also that the state's unemployment rate right now is nearly 10 percent. So when you consider all that, of course it only makes sense to fund Michael Jackson's funeral. And give him a $25,000 gold coffin. A GOLD COFFIN. I can't even come up with anything to say to that. I mean, what CAN you say? It's a freaking GOLD COFFIN.

2) If I recall correctly, Los Angeles has something of an issue with automobile traffic. And I think a lot of people drive in LA... the cloud of pollution that hovers over the city is an indication of this. Therefore, it was perfectly logical to shut down several freeways and city streets during RUSH HOUR on a WEEKDAY so that the funeral procession could drive all over LA as it pleased. Let's be real here: only in LA could something like this happen. Not only would they have no problem spending $4 million, but they would also have no problem wreaking traffic hell to the 900th power on their roadways. If there was ever a time for Northern California to petition to separate itself from Southern California, it's right now. I'm pretty sure the Michael Jackson funeral would be all the evidence NorCal would need to be allowed to become its own state.

3) What I'm finding most amazing about all of this is how easily people are overlooking the last portion of Michael's life (better known as his crazy years) and the fact that this man was a pedophile. I admit that when I first heard news of his death, I immediately just thought of Michael the musician. But the reality is that we need to remember Michael the person. This is a man who invited little boys over to Neverland Ranch for sleepovers where they would sleep in the same bed. What's even more disturbing is that Michael never really denied any of it; to him, it was completely normal for a grown man to have pajama parties with little boys. Essentially, Michael Jackson was given the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card for the last 15 years or so of his life. God bless this country.

Now I know some people will try to defend Michael by saying that he was just trying to experience the childhood that was taken away from him, and that he wasn't really that bad a guy. But all you have to do is ask yourself one question: would you let your son sleep over at Michael Jackson's place? After you ask yourself that question, ask yourself this: would you then give that same man a funeral with a gold coffin?

The main point is that we shouldn't all go out of our way to try and paint this guy as a hero. He was far, far from that. So many more people do such great things with their lives and hardly get any attention for it. And you know what? They're fine with that. And in that regard, I give the funeral credit for one thing: Michael would have undoubtedly wanted it to be like this -- incredibly attention-grabbing bordering on insane.

Look, in the end, I understand that a man passed away before his time, and for that I do feel some sadness. As elaborate as it was, it's still good that people were able to pay their final respects. But I knew I could count on Ron Artest to turn tribute into a thing of mockery. RonRon's new number with the Lakers will be 37, in honor of the 37 weeks that Thriller was number one on the charts. A little weird, but sure, I guess that's a nice gesture. Plus, it's relatively tame compared to what we've seen from him in the past.

Wait, what's that? He also made a tribute rap song for Michael? And it's terrible? But also unintentionally hilarious at the same time? Yeah, that's more like it, Ron. This is much more up your alley. (As a warning, YouTube has already removed several of the videos with the song due to copyright issues. Or because they want to try and save America's ears from this song. But just Google it and you'll find it. Also, look out for the 1:50 mark of the song where Ron raps, "I know you in heaven, I hope to see you next year." If America keeps up its trend of honoring crazy people, I can only imagine how Ron Artest's funeral is going to go.)


Nothing else needs to be said. But seriously...a GOLD COFFIN.

Movie For One?

I randomly thought about this story today and I thought I'd share it with everyone.

Back in high school, I went to see Ocean's 11 with a friend. We bought our tickets and were getting ready to go into the theater when we noticed an older gentleman behind us getting his ticket. He politely asked the cashier, "Can I get one for Ocean's Two?"

So clearly he couldn't tell that the two lines after "Ocean's" were for "eleven" -- not "two." Now that story by itself is kind of funny, but when I thought about it again today, I realized something: that man had absolutely no clue what movie he was about to watch. There's several things to consider here...

First, by saying "Ocean's Two" it implies that there was an "Ocean's One" which, as far as I know, does not exist. So the man certainly never saw the non-existent "Ocean's One."

Second, he obviously had not seen the previews for Ocean's 11, which further means that he had probably zero idea what the movie was going to even remotely be about. He probably thought it actually was about an ocean...but the second ocean movie...but somehow the ocean is possessive of the two... Well, whatever he was thinking, he was probably very disappointed when he watched the movie and realized that there were no oceans or the number two.

Finally, judging by the age of the man, he was probably old enough to have been around when the ORIGINAL Ocean's 11 with Sinatra was released. So apparently he missed the boat both times on this movie.

In spite of all this, I give the man credit for one thing: he went to see the movie by himself. In my opinion, the art of going to the movie theater by yourself is one that gets a bad rap. The implication of doing so is that you are a loser with no friends. But let's think about this for a minute: Let's say you go to a movie with five or six people. When you sit down in the theater, at best you have one person on either side of you. You can pretty much only talk to those two people comfortably for probably 10 maybe 15 minutes. And once the movie starts, you don't talk to them at all. Also, let's say you go with a group of people and there's some individuals there that you're not that close with or, worse yet, you straight up don't like. There's a chance you might end up sitting next to them and for those 10-15 minutes before the movie, you either have to force nice talk with them or leave the awkward silence. Your call, man.

And in the big picture, when you go to a movie with a friend, you're essentially paying to watch TV with someone. Look, I'm not hating on going to a movie with other people. We all do it and when we get in those situations where we're pretty desperate for something to do (which happens quite often...), it makes sense to go the movies with friends. Plus, it's kind of an intimidating thought to watch a movie solo. But the reality is that doing so isn't really that crazy of an idea. In the end, you're still doing the most important part: you're watching the movie. And the payoff is just as great because you can make your friends who haven't seen it feel bad about not seeing it, and when they ask you if you want to, you can deny them and make them feel like a loser. YES.

Now with all that being said, I admit that I've never gone to a movie by myself. However, I'm seriously considering doing so. The picture in question is Up, and my reasoning for wanting to do so is 1) everyone says it's awesome, and 2) everyone has already seen it. Of course, I could be wrong about this whole "it's okay to go to the movies by yourself thing" and I might just be trying to convince myself that it's okay that I'm a loser with no friends. Anyway, if I do end up going by myself, I'll be sure to write about it here and let everyone know how it goes. But, uh, if you DO want to watch it, let me know....

The Rundown

I've realize that I've been neglecting my blog and so much has been happening recently. I apologize for my laziness, so hopefully a wide-ranging entry will start to make up for it...

Transformers: Back to Blow Stuff Up and Take Your Money in the Process
I don't really have too much to say about this since I haven't seen the movie yet, but it's arguably the most anticipated one of the summer. Reviews for the sequel aren't that awesome, which should probably be expected. But it's not like the first movie was a brilliant piece of movie making either. Yeah the effects and action were awesome, but the plot was mediocre and the script was pretty weak. Seriously, watch the first one again -- you'll eventually just find yourself laughing out loud at how terrible some of the dialogue is. Look, this isn't to say that I didn't enjoy Transformers, and I know I'm going to watch the second one and probably like it as well, but let's just try and be honest with ourselves when we walk out of the theater. However, one thing everyone can agree on: Megan Fox is fiiine.


Jon Minus Kate (Plus 8)
My fandom of this show is well documented, so lots of people were asking me what I thought about the JK+8 announcement. For those that don't know, America's long-developing nightmare finally came to fruition this week as Jon and Kate officially parted ways and filed for divorce. As a fan, I was rooting for them and hoping that somehow they'd make it through all this. But I have to admit that after a while, all of this got so ridiculous and given so much attention that it became more annoying than interesting. One thing is absolutely clear: this show changed who Jon and Kate were. Kate used to be the stay at home mom whose job was to care for all her kids and maintain order. And she was really good at it, showing love for her family but also keeping them going and in line. But now she travels constantly, doing her book tours, signing autographs, giving interviews, wearing her diva sunglasses; she's fully embracing her celebrity at the cost of her previous role as an always-there mother. Jon, on the other hand, seems like he just wants to get away from everything that's happened since this show began. He's going out to clubs, (allegedly) having an affair with a 20-something year old girl, and spending less and less time with the family. He also appears to be having a mid-life crisis, as was evident when he came on the show with his ears pierced. It was like watching an axe murderer kill someone in a horror movie -- it's painful to see, but you really can't help but look. Anyway, in the end, this show that was once about watching how a family managed and coped with the craziness of twins and sextuplets is now about watching the collapse of a marriage.

North Korea Dun Lost its Mind...Again
For some reason, people have been asking me quite a bit what I think of the whole North Korea situation. Maybe they do this because I'm Korean? If that's the case, clearly they don't know me that well, otherwise they would know that I'm just about the worst Korean ever. Seriously. My Spanish is better than my Korean. Anyway, in my opinion, there's only one way to describe North Korea: a whiny, bratty child who wants attention and pampering and does annoying things to get you to watch them, and when you stop paying attention, they threaten to launch nuclear weapons at you. Look, North Korea knows that if it were to ever actually attack the U.S., America would bomb it back to the stone age. And it would take about three hours to do it. But because North Korea has such dangerous technology, it knows that they can't be ignored, so they use it as a way of getting others to pay attention. It's not the most mature way to handle international relations, but it has proven effective. And in this game, that's all that really matters.

Giants-A's Game Recap
I went to the Giants-A's game with my brother the other night and wanted to share a few thoughts and observations.
1) The worst things in the world are those half-Giants/half-A's hats that some people wear to these games. For the love of all that's right in the world, CHOOSE A SIDE. You people that wear those hats are like Confederate soldiers who, upon realizing that the Civil War was lost, pretended like they were pro-Union and not actually a bunch of Southern rednecks. Is that who you want to be?? And I know defenders of the hat will have this retarded argument: "Oh but if you support both teams, you can't lose!" Okay, you moron, you also CAN'T WIN. You might be wearing the winning team's logo, but you're also wearing the losing team's logo too! At the next Giants-A's game, I'll be holding a pregame burning of all those hats. Please come join me.
2) It was apparently celebrity look-alike night at the Coliseum. Here's a quick rundown of who we saw: Paul Wall look-alike, Sean Paul look-alike, and the lead singer of the Strokes look-alike. Actually, now that I think about it, it could very well have actually been them when you consider that none of them has been really making music lately...
3) We saw an underage kid get busted by a security guard for sneaking alcohol in. I laughed. But you know who should really be trying to sneak alcohol in? People who are actually of legal drinking age. I mean, come on... eight dollars for a beer?!
4) And one final observation: Giants fans' team clothing article of choice? Official team jacket, retail value: $120-$140. A's fans' team clothing article of choice? Shirt that was given away at previous game promotion, retail value: $0. And people wonder why the A's are poor as dirt?? And for some reason, A's fans take pride in the fact that the majority of them dress like homeless people. But I guess that what they wear matches the stadium they play in, so it makes sense in the end.
Oh yeah, the Giants won 6-3, taking the season series 5 games to 1.
Go Giants.

If you're a sports fan, you'll appreciate this video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exOxUAntx8I

Team USA Beats Spain...in Soccer?
It's incredible -- not the fact that the US beat Spain, but the fact that the moment the US soccer team does something good, everyone is apparently a huge soccer fan. Look, dude, I'm all about rooting for Team USA and wanting to see them succeed. I'd love to see them make some real noise in a World Cup someday. But I don't act like I'm a diehard fan, which is what many of my friends on Facebook apparently are. How many of you fools actually knew what the Confederations Cup was before this tournament? Be real -- the only confederation you knew was the south during the aforementioned Civil War. Let's get two things straight: first, USA soccer is still not very good. Yes, beating a powerhouse like Spain is nice, but it's more fluke than an actual indication of improvement. Even the Clippers manage to beat teams every now and then. It doesn't mean that they're any good. Second, this win will mean almost nothing if the US gets beat down by Brazil in the final, and there's a very good chance of that happening. Remember LeBron's shot to beat the Magic in Game Two of the Conference Finals? Remember how everyone thought it was a defining moment in his career? Remember how the Magic then whooped the Cavs the rest of the way? Remember how that shot means absolutely nothing now? Yep. Me too.

Speaking of King James...

LeBron and The Big Tweeter


Okay, on paper, the Shaq to Cleveland deal looks like a great move. Shaq showed this year that he can still bang and be a dominant big man, and God knows that the Cavs will need that against Dwight Howard. He's a definite upgrade from Sideshow Bob (aka Anderson Varejao) and Big Z, and I can see him and LeBron getting along great together. But Shaq isn't what the Cavs need most; what they really need is an above average to dominant swingman who can play the 2 or 3 and create his own shots. Mo Williams was supposed to provide some of that relief, but he came up empty in the Conference Finals. Plus, he's a natural point guard and not a take-it-to-the-bucket scorer. How this all plays out, I don't know. Yes, it helps the Cavs for sure, and they basically acquired Shaq for nothing. But I'll believe in it when I see it on the court first.

R.I.P. Michael Jackson


When I heard about Michael's death, it took me a while to believe it. Stunning? Sad? Yes, absolutely. Michael Jackson was an incredibly influential musician and a fantastic entertainer. That will be his legacy first and foremost. However, he was also a very strange and disturbed man. No matter how often people told him what he was doing was inappropriate, and no matter how often he was the butt of jokes and parody, Michael never thought what he was doing was wrong. In reality, there were two parts of his life: the old Michael that everyone loved to watch and listen to, and the new Michael that everyone thought was out of his freaking mind. Nonetheless, rest in peace, Mike. And let's end on a positive note. The Gloved One obviously had his share of hits, but my personal favorite will always be "P.Y.T."

Pretty Young Things, repeat after me!

The New Louis Vuitton Don

For those of you aren't as hip as I am, the man in that photo is Mikhail Gorbachev. As a quick history refresher, MG was a major player in ending the Cold War in the late 80s and early 90s, and was the last president of the Soviet Union. For his work, he won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1990. Now all that is well and good, but if you had asked me when I began this blog what the chances of Mikhail Gorbachev showing up in one of my entries would be, I'd probably say somewhere in the neighborhood of "none" and "absolutely none." But there he is, in all his glory.

Okay, so you're wondering why he's here. Well, I came upon an old issue of Time (the Barack Obama inauguration issue) and on the back cover was this picture. That might not seem that odd, but I realized that it was actually an ad for Louis Vuitton. Yes, Mikhail Gorbachev, former President of the Soviet Union, is an LV model.

I don't really know what to make of this. I guess it's sort of cool in that it's not your typical advertisement on really ANY level, but I think it's just more weird than anything else. I don't know much about MG, but from what I've read on Wikipedia, it sounds like he was a good guy for the most part. Still, I can't imagine someone is going to look at that ad and think to themselves, "OMG...I have to get that LV bag because Mikhail Gorbachev has it..."

I do have one theory: we all know that Kanye West and other heavyweights in the hip-hop industry love to rock (and rap about) LV. Maybe Louis Vuitton is scared of this image and afraid of becoming associated with the hip-hop culture. So instead, they're trying to reach out to a demographic that has been given little, if any, attention or privilege in this world: old, white men.

Upon further research, we shouldn't even be surprised by Gorbachev showing up in an advertisement. Turns out, a few years ago, he did a commercial for Pizza Hut, of all places. Watch out, Peyton Manning. MG's coming at you for your crown of most products pimped by one human being.



I'll close with two thoughts on the NBA Finals...

Thought #1: A Lakers fan was recently gloating to me about their championship, which I'm fine with. They won, they have the right. But he said a word to me which I found particularly troubling: dynasty. Uh... if there's one thing that this team is NOT, it's a dynasty. You don't go on a run of championships when your team consists of: players so clearly on the decline (Derek Fisher, Lamar Odom), role players that can't even fulfill the roles they were brought in to play (Sasha Vujacic, Shannon Brown), only one guy that is probably going to sustain his level of play for the next few years (Pau Gasol), a star player who is already in the home stretch of his career (Kobe Bryant), and Adam Morrison (Adam Morrison).

Also, I was reading a Bill Simmons column and I think he summed this team up best: the '09 Lakers felt like an arrangement. These guy far from love each other, but they sucked it up and did what they had to do to win. That's all well and good; a lot of teams are able to do that and win a championship in the end. But think about some of the most well-known sports dynasties: the early 2000 Pistons, the Patriots, the pre-A-Rod Yankees, the Red Sox... all these teams had this element in common: they actually liked playing with each other. Off the court, Kobe says all the right things, smiles a lot, and gives credit to his teammates and his coach. On the court, Kobe looks like he's about to go serial killer on all of them. I'm no Dr. Phil, but that can't be a healthy relationship.

Thought #2: The Lakers victory parade was the other day, and it reminded me of a moment in Lakers' history that will live on forever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgOQO5MilfI

Who let the dogs out?!?!?