The Rant

I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on the blog so far, so it seems like a good time to say thank you to all of you who have ever taken time to read it. I really do appreciate it and especially enjoy having people respond to the entries. Still, if there's one thing I've heard that's been sort of a criticism, it's this: I haven't complained enough.

Apparently, a lot of people enjoy listening to me rant about random things that bother me. Why this is, I'm not totally sure. Now don't get me wrong. Do I enjoy pointing out the random problems in life? Absolutely. And if that's what the people want, that's what I'm going to give them. So this entry is dedicated to all of you who enjoy watching me get worked up over stupid stuff. Enjoy.

-I recently saw Con Air again on TV and every time I see it, one thing comes to mind: Nicolas Cage's southern accent in that movie has to be on the list of Top-10 all-time worst movie accents ever. You know how some people (okay, that includes me too) think that a southern accent makes you sound less intelligent? Nic Cage takes that theory to a whole new level.

-15 items or less at Safeway means 15 items or less; not 25 items or less. It says express lane for a reason, you illiterate fool.

-To the patrons of 24 Hour Fitness, Berkeley: how freaking hard is it to put your free weights back into the appropriate weight section after using them? Look, we're all impressed you can curl 90 pound dumbbells, you creatine-chugging freak, but if you can lift them, you can also put them back where they belong and not create a domino effect where everyone starts putting their weights in random places.

-Okay, I know Facebook is fun and we're all on it all the time. But let's not get carried away with it, kids. When you write your life story in your about me section? That's not cool. When you update your status an average of five to six times a day about everything going on in your life? That's not cool. WHEN YOU'RE THE HEAD OF SOME RANDOM FRAT AND YOU INVITE ME TO EVERY SINGLE MEETING OR EVENT VIA FACEBOOK EVENTS EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN 928 YEARS AND WE WEREN'T EVEN THAT GOOD OF FRIENDS TO BEGIN WITH AND I DON'T EVEN LIVE IN DAVIS ANYMORE AND LET'S BE REAL EVEN IF I WAS I'M NOT GOING TO YOUR FRAT'S FUNDRAISER AT TAQUERIA GUADALAJARA (IF ANYTHING I'D PROBABLY NOT GO THAT NIGHT JUST TO SPITE YOU). That's not cool.

-This isn't really a rant, but I just saw something on Facebook: you can become a fan of the 1996 U.S. Synchronized Swimming Team. Now I know there have been some memorable Olympic teams in the past: the original Dream Team, the '96 womens gymnastics team, and of course, the Miracle on Ice team. But apparently we've been forgetting one this whole time. Look, I'm not hating on synchronized swimming but...uh, really? Perhaps more pressing: who even thinks of creating a Facebook fan page for the 1996 U.S. Synchronized Swimming Team? Both are very valid questions in my mind.

-How can it take people so long to order pizza at Cheeseboard? There's only one kind of pizza everyday! And you can only pay cash! I'm hungry here, dude! Seriously, what can possibly be taking you so long?!

-Soulja Boy is garbage.

-Apparently the city of Berkeley held a meeting that I wasn't aware of in which the citizens all decided that they would never drive over the speed limit. Never. Doesn't matter what the situation is; the drivers of Berkeley refuse to use the the gas pedal. Honestly, it borders on absurd how slow people drive in this city. When I'm driving down a street, I feel like I'm weaving through stationary obstacles as I go around all the slow drivers. It's like watching Derek Fisher trying to guard Aaron Brooks; it looks like only one person is actually moving.

-Speaking of the Lakers, this brings me to my final rant. I'm not sure there's a more overrated coach out there than Phil Jackson. Okay, overrated isn't the right word. Maybe just...given more credit than he's deserved (okay, I guess that's basically the definition of overrated). Yeah, I know he's won nine rings. That's pretty impressive no matter how you slice it. But look at those teams: The first six championships he won were with Michael Jordan a.k.a. the greatest basketball player ever. When Jordan retired the first time in 1993, the Bulls and Jackson weren't able to win the championship. Then when he came back in 1995, it was the start of the second three-peat. Jackson then started feuding with the Bulls front office, couldn't get along with the owner and after the final Jordan championship in 1998, Jackson bounced. He said he would never coach again, but then he decided to come back a year later. It appeared he wanted a challenge. So where did he go? The most logical place for a challenge, of course... the Lakers with Shaq and Kobe. He had another three-peat there. But when Shaq and Kobe started fighting, Jackson couldn't keep them under control or get them to work together. Then the Lakers tried to go New York Yankees on the NBA by signing Karl Malone and Gary Payton...and they got dominated by the Pistons in the Finals. Then Shaq got traded to Miami (where he won another ring with Dwyane Wade). So then Phil decided he couldn't work with Kobe, left the team, wrote a book where he complained about Kobe, then decided to come back when everything was right for him again, eventually made it back to the Finals last year, and lost to the Celtics in a series that included the epic Game 4 meltdown and the Game 6 beatdown. If you're keeping track at home, that makes Phil 0-for-2 in his last two championships after being previously undefeated. Look, my mom could have coached that Jordan team and the Shaq and Kobe (pre-drama) team to championships. Phil Jackson just picks and chooses the best possible situations, never wants to try and prove himself as a coach, and when things start getting too hairy, he abandons ship. Beyonce was wrong; a diva is Phil Jackson.


(This is a stick up, stick up.)