Kobe Doin'...Nothing

This entry has nothing to do with the two Game Sevens that took place on Sunday, but I feel inclined to say one thing about the Lakers-Rockets game: the suits of the NBA let out a huge sigh of relief when the Lakers won as it keeps alive the NBA's dream match-up of LeBron versus Kobe. Anything less than that will pretty much kill the ratings for the Finals...and also make Vitamin Water look very foolish.

Anyway, let's get to the point of this entry. Saturday was the debut of the documentary on Kobe Bryant titled Kobe Doin' Work (zero points for originality). The piece was an 83 minute long Spike Lee film (sorry, a Spike Lee joint) and appeared on ESPN2 pretty much on repeat from about six to midnight.

Now look, I'm as much a Kobe hater as...well, just about anyone who isn't a Lakers fan. But at the same time, I was a bit intrigued by this documentary. I expected the film to offer some insight into Kobe Bryant's personality, perhaps show his day-to-day life, what else he does besides basketball, etc. These are the kinds of things that fans (and non-fans) like to see in something like this. We know Kobe can play basketball; we see that all the time. But this was an opportunity to better understand one of the most polarizing figures in the game's history.

Well, it turns out that my expectations for this film were a bit off from what actually happened. Instead of showing the things I was looking forward to seeing, Kobe Doin' Work is pretty much a two-hour long highlight of a Lakers-Spurs game from the 2007-2008 season with Kobe Bryant narrating. I kept watching and waiting for something, anything different to happen. But the game just went on; a game, mind you, that had already taken place over a year ago.

There are three basic reasons why this documentary failed. First, the aforementioned boring content. As a viewer, you're expecting something new, something that you haven't really seen or understood before. It's sort of like understanding a shark. You know what a shark does -- it eats other fish and sea animals, and it also generally terrorizes people by randomly eating them. But when you watch, say, Planet Earth, you see the shark in a way you've never seen before. You see it doing things you didn't realize it did (i.e. the shark jumping out of the water to eat a seal. By the way, that was probably one of the coolest moments in the Planet Earth series). So when you're watching a documentary on Kobe Bryant, you want something else. You've seen Kobe drive to the hoop or pull up for a jump shot hundreds of times in games and on SportsCenter. Where's the interesting and new content? Where's Kobe jumping out of the water to eat a seal? But the point is that there's nothing really fresh here. Yeah, some of the camera angles and slow motion images were sort of cool to watch, I guess, but that's about it. Honestly, even Lakers fans had to be bored watching it.

The second reason why Kobe Doin' Work didn't work (see what I did there?) was Kobe's narration. When I say that Kobe narrated the movie, what I really mean is that he basically analyzes himself. "Well, this is why I went for a layup here." "This is why I played defense like this." "This is why I whined like a baby trying to get a foul call." If I want to hear analysis of a Lakers game, I can watch the postgame show on TNT. At least then I could listen to Charles Barkley's analysis and hearing him talk would turn the movie into at least something of a comedy. But hearing Kobe do analysis? Let's just say it's a good thing that he's one of the most talented players in the league making tons of money now so that he'll never have to worry about being a TV analyst in the future to make money.

The last reason why this film sucked was this: the final score was Lakers 106, Spurs 85. Not exactly the makings of a classic game. The game was so in hand from pretty much start to finish that Kobe sat out the fourth quarter and iced his knees. (And yes, he gave analysis on that as well). You have to think that Spike "I wish I was related to Eddie" Lee at least thought about wanting to try this again for another game because any drama that might have come as a result of a close game were squashed early on.

Here's one final thought about Kobe Doin' Work. Everyone knows that Kobe Bryant is a vocal player and a leader on his team. But as I watched the film, I couldn't help but get the feeling that Kobe was trying to talk MORE because he knew the camera was on him. As a result, he tries to sound more insightful, more commanding, and also more supportive of his teammates. If anything, rather than make Kobe seem like more of a team leader, it pretty much solidified what everyone already believed: Kobe's teammates are so scared of him that they won't ever say anything back to him.

Kobe fans might have found some strands of enjoyment and entertainment from watching the movie, but if you were smart, you did what I did: you changed the channel from ESPN2 to TNT because one of the greatest action movies ever was on TV Saturday night: The Rock. Terrorists holding the Yay Area hostage with chemical weapons, crazy Jerry Bruckheimer action, Nicolas Cage at his best (with no Southern accent), and Sean Connery in one of his last movies. Welcome to the Rock.