This is Bad, Real Bad, Michael Jackson

When Michael Jackson passed away a couple weeks ago, like everyone else, I was stunned and somewhat saddened. He was a fabulous entertainer and certainly an icon in the music world. What I couldn't have predicted at the time of his death was how over the top the entire universe would go over his passing, and how ridiculously out of hand the whole situation has gotten.

Let's consider three things:

1) Michael Jackson's memorial service and the parade through LA was paid for by the state of California. And it cost $4 million. Once again, FOUR MILLION DOLLARS. Let me remind you that this is a state whose budget is about as stable as the Titanic after it got hit by the iceberg. And after it was already halfway to the bottom of the ocean. And after Leonardo DiCaprio was left frozen to death in the water. California is cutting funding to numerous public programs while raising taxes and public university tuition, and writing tons of IOUs. Don't forget also that the state's unemployment rate right now is nearly 10 percent. So when you consider all that, of course it only makes sense to fund Michael Jackson's funeral. And give him a $25,000 gold coffin. A GOLD COFFIN. I can't even come up with anything to say to that. I mean, what CAN you say? It's a freaking GOLD COFFIN.

2) If I recall correctly, Los Angeles has something of an issue with automobile traffic. And I think a lot of people drive in LA... the cloud of pollution that hovers over the city is an indication of this. Therefore, it was perfectly logical to shut down several freeways and city streets during RUSH HOUR on a WEEKDAY so that the funeral procession could drive all over LA as it pleased. Let's be real here: only in LA could something like this happen. Not only would they have no problem spending $4 million, but they would also have no problem wreaking traffic hell to the 900th power on their roadways. If there was ever a time for Northern California to petition to separate itself from Southern California, it's right now. I'm pretty sure the Michael Jackson funeral would be all the evidence NorCal would need to be allowed to become its own state.

3) What I'm finding most amazing about all of this is how easily people are overlooking the last portion of Michael's life (better known as his crazy years) and the fact that this man was a pedophile. I admit that when I first heard news of his death, I immediately just thought of Michael the musician. But the reality is that we need to remember Michael the person. This is a man who invited little boys over to Neverland Ranch for sleepovers where they would sleep in the same bed. What's even more disturbing is that Michael never really denied any of it; to him, it was completely normal for a grown man to have pajama parties with little boys. Essentially, Michael Jackson was given the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card for the last 15 years or so of his life. God bless this country.

Now I know some people will try to defend Michael by saying that he was just trying to experience the childhood that was taken away from him, and that he wasn't really that bad a guy. But all you have to do is ask yourself one question: would you let your son sleep over at Michael Jackson's place? After you ask yourself that question, ask yourself this: would you then give that same man a funeral with a gold coffin?

The main point is that we shouldn't all go out of our way to try and paint this guy as a hero. He was far, far from that. So many more people do such great things with their lives and hardly get any attention for it. And you know what? They're fine with that. And in that regard, I give the funeral credit for one thing: Michael would have undoubtedly wanted it to be like this -- incredibly attention-grabbing bordering on insane.

Look, in the end, I understand that a man passed away before his time, and for that I do feel some sadness. As elaborate as it was, it's still good that people were able to pay their final respects. But I knew I could count on Ron Artest to turn tribute into a thing of mockery. RonRon's new number with the Lakers will be 37, in honor of the 37 weeks that Thriller was number one on the charts. A little weird, but sure, I guess that's a nice gesture. Plus, it's relatively tame compared to what we've seen from him in the past.

Wait, what's that? He also made a tribute rap song for Michael? And it's terrible? But also unintentionally hilarious at the same time? Yeah, that's more like it, Ron. This is much more up your alley. (As a warning, YouTube has already removed several of the videos with the song due to copyright issues. Or because they want to try and save America's ears from this song. But just Google it and you'll find it. Also, look out for the 1:50 mark of the song where Ron raps, "I know you in heaven, I hope to see you next year." If America keeps up its trend of honoring crazy people, I can only imagine how Ron Artest's funeral is going to go.)


Nothing else needs to be said. But seriously...a GOLD COFFIN.